Oooh....double post day

The rare double post day! Aren't I chatty?! Life is good. Even when we forget briefly, it is good. Think about it for a while. I think you will agree that we have it pretty good. Yesterday was GREAT! It was a regular day really, but that is good too. My son was happy to go to school, my daughter was happy to go to school, my husband is getting better, I got a 20 minute nap...good day. Then it went to great...I was making the stew my husband had requested last week...this was good in itself because A) stew = thoughts of Grandma = happy warmth in my soul and 2) when I make stew, I do not have to cook for 3 more days = woo hoo! I digress...I do that...so, I am making the stew, the windows are open, my music is blaring and the spousal unit calls his daily afternoon call and says, "What are your plans for tonight?" "Well, I am making stew and the girl has a little homework and I assume that you will be watching the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, so I have no real plans...why?" Then the sun shone a little brighter, the angels began to sing a beautiful chorus and birds crashed into my window trying to light on my arms as that beautiful man said, " I was thinking we could pick up Sonic in the Jeep and take the kids to the park and enjoy the weather. I had a bad day and I do not want to come home and just sit." Well...because I am old enough to know that Sonic is a Drive In and not a blue hedge hog type game creature...I was in! Everyone knows that stew is tastier on day 2 anyway and this means I may not have to cook again until some time next week. WIN! It was the perfect evening for a Jeep ride and evening in the park. We ate at the picnic tables and the kids played on the playground equipment and we threw the football...it was very Norman Rockwell. On the Jeep ride back home the boy wished aloud that we could feed the neighborhood ducks for "just a minute" as they were out and, to him, looked very hungry. :) I agreed...with limits...knowing they would be blown out of the water. They kids and I grabbed the bread and headed through the neighbor's gate. The ducks flocked on over and gobbled up every scrap of bread and delighted the children. Neighbors were eating on their back porch...so of course we crashed their meal and said hello. The kids played with the dogs...I drank a little wine and we ran away. It was fun. Back home for a little Dallas Cowboy football and couch cuddles was the perfect end to the day. I put the kiddos to bed and tidied up the kitchen and turned in early myself., tired and content. These are the days to remember and cling to. This is living at its finest. Today is looking pretty good too. We were going to have an "at home day" but have been invited to feed ducks at the park with new friends...jumped on that opportunity. We will be iced in soon enough. These pretty days are numbered...the house will wait...it has been waiting for years already. One more day won't kill anyone. Enjoy your day, people!

Hormones and Blogs

Hormones and blogging...there should be a law against mixing the two. It is like drinking and texting or drinking and Facebooking...it just should not be done. Maybe I will start a support group..."Hi, I am ______ and I blog while hormonal." "Hi, ______." It will be the next big thing...I can feel it. On second thought...no one really needs to corral a bunch of hormone junkies into a small room and fuel them with coffee. For now, I will just work on my own problem. :) Bear with me...it is a process.

Special kids

The world is hard for all of us. It is even more difficult for some. It was hard for a long time for me...and still is at times and concerning certain things. This is life. It is hard to know that I cannot always fix everything for my babies. It was very, very evident this week during an event that really deserves its own post and I hope to post about it soon. I am too tired to go there tonight and honestly...with a whopping 7 followers...you are aware of the monkey fiasco. I will be laughing about it soon...but I am not there yet.

My kids are not "special needs"kids...but they are special kids with needs. I do have to do things that are a little out of the norm to be sure that they are okay. I do get looks and comments from people that do not know us well. I AM preparing my children for the real world...I just have to ease them into certain parts of it a little more gently. I do not expect the world to do this for them...but I am doing all that I can to be sure they can do it for themselves WHEN THEY ARE NOT SMALL CHILDREN. We ALL do the best we can with what we have, what we know and what we feel. To the casual observer I seem over the top in my involvement with my kids...so. They are children...aren't I SUPPOSED to be involved? Is it bad that I LIKE being with them? Is it bad that I do not want to dump them on others for as many hours as possible? Yes, I need to get away some days for short periods. I am human, but is it wrong that I miss them and want them at home? Couldn't it be that society is wrong? They are tender and sensitive and young. Why are others so eager for me to make them tiny, jaded adults? Why can't they be kids while they are kids?! I dress them like children because they are children...though this is getting really difficult to do. I am appalled by the choices available for my 7 and 5 year olds! I am preaching to the choir here, I am sure, as the few people reading this are like minded people who believe in meeting the needs of their children, what ever those needs may be...but it gets hard sometimes. I look crazy to strangers. I AM crazy, but not for the reasons they think. My kids are great. They are funny and smart and so, so giving that I worry about them at times. :) They are special and they have needs...and I will keep doing all that I can to meet them...I am their mommy and I like it. I will cushion the blows that I can and pick up the pieces when I cannot. I will shield them from the ugliness in the world while arming them against it. I will know their teachers and, for better or worse, they will know me. And when a sensory issue arises and they over react...I will be there to calm them. It is my job and I do not take it lightly. I will fail and I will make mistakes and I will be human...and if you get in my way, I will bite your head off...but I will love them the best way that I know how and I will try my hardest to do what is in their best interest until my last dying breath. I am Mommy...it is all I can be.

Bppppppth

My husband is sick...and that is all I will say about it because he hates when I talk about "his business," especially on the internet. But it isn't pretty.

I am not adjusting well to our new schedule. I am exhausted beyond explanation and I want so badly to sleep in my own bed...but see paragraph 1.

On a good note...the weather today is BEAUTIFUL! LOVE it! And I held a baby and I had crab legs at lunch. Yea today!

Meals

I think I am a pretty good wife and mom. I have my weaknesses...we all do. I am even pretty sure that I know what most of them are, I just have not figured out how to fix them all...we never do. It is life...we strive to grow and do the best we can. I am not beating myself up about it...just acknowledging that these weaknesses are there. One of my big weak areas...meal planning and execution. HATE it...did I mention I hate it?! I feel totally inadequate when it comes to meal planning. We are trying to eat healthy, well balanced meals but this has never been my strong suit...EVER. It is overwhelming to me. There are too many options and the slate is too blank. I feel particularly delinquent when it comes to breakfast and lunches for my kids. I don't eat breakfast and do not thrive in the early hours of the day. One of my kids eats a HUGE breakfast and the other is more like me and does not need much until lunch. I need to figure out better breakfast options for the girl. That kid can put away some breakfast and thus, the options need to be healthy and filling. She does not eat much lunch, so I am not entirely worried about her consumption, but she tends to be built more like her daddy and she is a girl...and she is MY girl, so I worry about her developing issues related to food and body image...and it won't help that the boy favors my side of the family and can eat anything he wants and never gain a pound...he is actually frustrated that he cannot make the scale go up. So funny. Anyhoo...I need someone to just come in and say, "Make this, this and this," and leave me recipes and grocery lists. Yeah...it is a total fantasy...but I can dream, can't I? Okay...the boy and I are off to the store to buy some random groceries that I don't know how to turn into a decent meal. Wish us luck!

The birth of the boy...who is now FIVE!

Then...and now. The boy is five today. The boy is FIVE today. How did this happen?! He is tall and thin and athletic and funny and sweet and a toot all at the same time. He loves cheese and sugar and his sister, believe it or not. He loves his family and he loves his God...most...more than his family and will tell you that a lot. I think he likes the orneriness of telling me he does not love me the most. I don't mind. I hope he always loves God more than me. He is supposed to. :) He loves sports...ALL sports, but he only wants to play baseball and soccer. He is thinking about trying football, but is afraid he might get hurt. I think he will get over that. Football is very big around here. He is so lanky though...not the football build. He could be a quarterback, or a receiver, or a kicker...that would be safer. :) He thought about hockey, but he is afraid he might get his teeth knocked out. That is okay...we live in the middle of Oklahoma where it has not been uncommon lately for the temperatures to reach 107 degrees...not a lot of frozen ponds about. :) Currently he only wants to play sports for fun. He refuses to play on a team where they keep score. It stresses him out. He is so afraid of losing. I have no idea where it came from, but he truly freaks out. It is sad and we are working on it because...well...sports are competitive...life is competitive.

Five years ago today, I was married to a great guy and was the mother of a smart, funny little 2 year old girl and we owned 2 houses. On this day, we sold our old house on the way to the hospital to have our son. It was CRAZY! We pre-signed papers and went off to the hospital. The girl went to Nanny Boo's to spend time with her cousins and was away from me for 4 days...the longest she had ever been away from me in her life. Ultrasound confirmed that the boy was still breech and the c-section would go as scheduled. I was a wreck and so scared of the surgery and anxious to meet my son and scared that I was forever altering the life of my daughter. In short...I was crazy. The morning is a blur. They took me in and gave me the spinal block and draped me and brought my husband in. He held my hand and talked to me the whole time...I was his concern...he is cool like that. I had THE most AMAZING anesthesiologist! He calmed my fears when I would panic and he told me everything that was happening behind the drape. I was mad that I was not allowed to watch...good call by my doctor. When they finally pulled my son from my body, (and the cord was NOT around his neck...there was NO reason for the little toot to be breach!) he was silent. This was a deafening silence filled with fear. The anesthesiologist was calm and told me, "I can see him. He is pink and he is moving and he looks good. Give him a minute and let them suction him." Sure enough, I soon heard his sweet cry. They brought him over and let me kiss his head and take a quick picture(the one you see above this post) and then they whisked him away. I made his daddy leave me and go with our son. He was 7 pounds, 2 ounces of pure baby perfection. He looked exactly as he does now only smaller and with less hair...it is almost weird. We had not settled on a name yet. I only saw him for a moment, but I knew him the minute I saw him. His name was obvious. I went to recovery and 15-20 minutes later my husband came to check on me. He said, in his cocky way, "I know who he is." "Oh yeah, smart guy...who is he? I just told the nurse who he is." He said our baby's name. My jaw hit the floor. That is EXACTLY who he is and we both knew it without ever talking to each other about it...creepy! I could not wait to be reunited with my sweet baby and explore every inch of his perfect baby self. I wanted to smell him and touch his sweet, soft baby skin and rub his precious little fuzz covered head. The whole day, and the 3 that followed are both hazy and clear all at the same time...Morphine itch and all.

Today, I am still married to the same great man...who is even greater, if that is possible...and I am the mother of a smart 7 year old girl and a funny 5 year old boy, still living in the same house we first brought him home to. We still have our 2 great but aging dogs and a couple of years ago we added a pet rat to the mix. I am enjoying this journey through life getting to know these great little people who call me "Mommy" and watching them become more every day. It is not all sunshine and roses, but the good does far outweigh the bad and there are more good days and happy moments than not. I am far more blessed than I deserve. Sometimes I feel like I am dreaming. If I am...don't wake me up.

My boy

I am so happy and full and blessed...and weepy. My baby boy turns 5 in 2 days. How has it been 5 years already? My baby is big...he will get loose teeth soon. I am not ready for this. I want to go back and take more pictures and snuggle more and read more books and worry about the house less. I want to hold on to more moments and be exhausted less. I want to be more patient and yet more firm all at the same time. I want to screw up less and mellow more. I LOVE my kiddos...there are not words to describe it. I think that they are AMAZING and I am in awe of the fact that they are mine. I am blessed far beyond words. I cannot take in the love...it is too big. They are a life long dream living before me and they are better than I could imagine. Oh, don't get me wrong...they are also a pain in the butt and a lot of work...but the love...that is something I could not have imagined. When I look into they eyes of my babies...my soul melts. I see God's love in a whole different way. He loves me SO much...that he sent these little monkeys to call me "Mommy"...how cool is that? He loves me SO, SO much that He sent His OWN monkey and allowed him to be crucified on a cross for me...Whew...THAT is a lot to take in. I look at my own son and think of the love I have for him and I think of Mary and of God. God sent HIS son...to DIE...for ME. WOW! And Mary...she carried this baby and gave birth in a pile of hay and raised and loved him KNOWING that he would die. That is a lot of pressure! I cannot imagine. My own wee boy said to me tonight, "What if I died on my birthday, Mommy?" I said, "That would be weird." trying to move on to another topic. He said, "It would be sad, Mommy." I agreed. It freaks me out when he talks that way. Too many stories involving children start that way. It makes me worry when his mind goes there. Small kids should not worry about that...but...I did, so I guess he is doomed. I should have laid with him when he asked. I was afraid I would fall asleep. If he asks again tomorrow...I am doing it. He is FIVE already...one day he will want me to keep my distance...I should hang out as closely as possible when and while I can. I love him...he is awesome.

I am hoping I come up with a post title by the end of this post. I have been very busy with new floor installation, rug shopping for new floors, vacation preparation, vacation, back to school and birthday planning. During all of this busy I lost a friend and nearly another. These lovely ladies were classmates of mine growing up. We are not really close these days...you know how it goes...you move away, get a family, get caught up in the now of your life...but I do consider them friends. I wish I had done more to make them know this. While on vacation recently, in a place I consider Heaven on Earth, I logged onto Facebook...just for a minute. There was a post that made my hair stand on end. A vivacious woman with so much love in her heart and a smile that could light up an entire state was gone. Further reading broke my heart even more...she was gone by her own hand. I still cannot digest it. It cannot be real. She would never do this...but she did. So loved with so many there for her, yet she could not reach out when things were the darkest. I cannot shake the sad this has left in my heart.

Last night there was a post by another former classmate...a strong, strong woman who takes no guff from the world. She cracks me up. It said, simply, "Just want to die". It stopped my heart. Post after supportive post by friends and former classmates went unanswered. Prayer chains were started and there was much anxiety. Thankfully there was a post this morning stating that the local police had gone to the home to check on her and she is alive. I pray that she gets the help she needs to over come the darkness.

I am not super close to these great ladies, thus, I never saw this coming. Turns out, that no one saw it coming. It is scary and sad and emphasizes the fact that we never really know what anyone is going through behind closed doors. We do not typically share these dark places with others and yet, I KNOW that we all have people who would drop everything and be there for us if we did open up. We all have dark places. If only we could feel freer to share them so that others would not feel so isolated in their darkest times. It reminds me of the early days of motherhood. NO ONE talks bout the despair and overwhelmed feelings that can hit in those early days. It makes you feel alone and like a horrible mother and it isn't until MUCH later that you find out that it is so normal and okay. I wish that we could all open up more and hide less, accept more and judge less. I include myself in this.

Should this day find you reading my blog, please pray for the family and friends of Kristi Beavers-Mays...particularly her children. She was a light in a dark world and I am sad that she felt so alone. Please also pray for Tammi. I have NO idea what she is going through right now, I just know that it is dark and overwhelming and I pray that she does not let it overtake her.

Life is made up of moments. Should you find yourself in a dark place, remember that it is a moment...it will pass...hold on tight and give it a chance. REACH OUT and call someone to help you hold on through it. God did not mean for us to be alone in the world. If He had...He would have stopped with Adam.

I am the world's worst at keeping up with people, but I am here. I will make time for any one who needs it, I am just dense and have to have things spelled out for me. LOL!

Love each other and be kind, with them and with yourself. We are all human and thus flawed. Cut yourself some slack and let others be there for you...they want to...they love you. Hug someone, pray for someone, let someone know you care. Have a great Wednesday! Love you!

Overwhelmed

What do you do when you are too overwhelmed to move? I do not have time to be paralyzed by my feelings of overwhelmed. I am hoping by typing it out I can move to a place of...well...moving. My princess is sick. It has been a good run, but she is pretty sick. It makes me sad, especially since we are about to be ousted from our home for well over a week. She needs her own bed and her own room when she does not feel well...don't we all? And it isn't that we will just be out of the house, we will be roaming. Poor baby. Then there is the "go to the doctor, don't go to the doctor" dilemma. Sigh. The kennels are full and I have to drive my dogs 2 hours away. I have to clean my rat and her cage so I can take her to her "hotel" (THANK YOU, sweet friend! It takes a special kind of friend to house a rodent.) I have to pack the living room, kitchen and office and move the small furniture. I have to get everything done by Sunday and Kennedy has a party tomorrow I need to buy a gift for. I have a friend coming from out of state (YEA) with her 2 dogs tonight and it is too hot in my guest room to breathe and I am not sure how the dogs will all get along. I have no idea what the current plan and time frame is of the whole floor ordeal because I have scarcely gotten to speak to my husband this week. I have to get rungs. I cannot even get into the shower today! There is more, but this is not getting me anywhere. I feel like I am just whining now.

I cannot wait to see my new floor! I am especially excited about the extension of wood into the living room. the kids are mad, but I think it is going to look amazing. I hope it is worth all of the stress.

Floors!

It seems trivial given the events of yesterday, but my floors are coming. All next week we will be displaced then return to flooring perfection and an island where it belongs. Pictures will definitely be coming....finally!

A friend's loss

A friend lost her father today. And while I do not know the details...nor do I need to...I do know that she lost him in a manner similar to the loss of my own father in 1994. This is the second time in the last few years I have heard of a friend losing their father this way and my heart aches for my friend. It is so unfair. It is different for my friends. I did not have children when I lost my father. They have questions now about where he is, but it is not immediate and they never knew him and the questions are not deep and require no real answer. They are young and stuck in the now and happy with brief answers of minimal facts. This is not the case for my friends...so I do not really know their pain. Another difference is the relationship that my friends have had with their fathers...much different than my own. My heart is just breaking tonight. I feel helpless to help and can only pray. And even then, what? What do I pray? There is no understanding. I wish I could hold my friend tight and just let her cry out her pain. It is all I needed in her situation...the right people gave me too much space and the wrong people said all of the wrong things. I suppose my only option is to not be the wrong people saying the wrong things. I say little. There is little to be said. Words do not fix it. Words do not make the hurt and anger and confusion less...but silence is also very painful. I pray for wisdom for myself and her truly close friends. I pray that God holds her and her children and her mother and siblings close to Him. Only His peace can help. I offer my ears and my shoulders. It is what I have. Media apparently surrounds the situation...I pray that someone shuts them up and the others who feel their right to speak their ignorance over situations they know nothing about. I know nothing other than my friend is hurting. If you are reading this...please pray for my friend and her family. Thank you. It means a lot to me.

Blogger ate my happy post

MAN! Yesterday I had a rather extensive happy post and Blogger ate it. :( I will try again.

My son is HAPPY! I know that he is happy, but more than that...HE knows he is happy. This may sound like a no big deal, that's how kids are statement...but that is not how things roll over here. He tends to wired more to the negative. We are working on it...and apparently, it is working! 2 nights ago when we were doing his three good things before bed he said 3 little words that filled my heart to overflowing...words sweeter than, "Love you, Mommy." My son said, "I am happy." Clouds parted, light streamed through and the angels sang. "I am happy."

Yesterday he got to be happy all day too. His very best friend in all the world came over. I love this kid and his mom is a hoot. This kid is good for my kid and very evenly yolked for my son. They are both sensitive kids but all boy and rough and tumble. When M showed up to play, the 2 boys were even dressed nearly identical. It was funny. They immediately tackled each other...but gently. There was craziness abounding...running, yelling, throwing, laughing, wrestling, laughing some more. They were NUTS and it was awesome. My kids do not act crazy enough. Kids are supposed to be a bit nutty and mine tend to be too aware of rules and seriousness. I am not complaining, mind you, but I would actually like to see them get into a little mild trouble. I want them to feel freer and be kids. The boy is around girls too much, so it was nice to see him get to play with another boy his age. Boys are still a bit foreign to me and I struggle with letting them play in a boy way and not twitching. I did pretty well yesterday...and the house survived. It was too hot to send them outside, so I had to ease up on the "don't throw stuff in the house" rule. Boys need to throw things...and it was a Nerf football, after all...it needed to be thrown. The rule is only in place because the boy is REALLY good at throwing things...far and hard. Outside...awesome. Inside...a little scary. Anyway, it was a great play date and since the other mom is about to have boy #3 at the end of the week...she likely enjoyed a little break. I am sad that they are moving to another town soon. It will be very difficult for my son. We will likely sit together and cry because his pain will be very real and I will feel it too. I am hoping that when school starts he will make more friends, but it won't be the same. I would love to see these 2 grow up together and I would love to get to know his mom better. She is a good mom and they eat better than we do. I could learn some things. :) Anyway, we will survive and life will go on...and for today...MY SON IS HAPPY!!

There it is...my kitchen in its current condition. YIKES! I cannot wait to post after pictures. I am particularly annoyed by the current location of the fridge and island...as well as the uneven boards you cannot see or appreciate in these particular shots. But...the red is lovely. It is happy. I love it. It keeps me going.

Darn you, Blogger

It will not recognize my recent pictures, thus I cannot show you the current state of my kitchen. I know that you currently weep with sorrow and are overwhelmed with anticipation. I will keep checking back to see if it sees them. Try to contain yourselves until then. ;P

My kitchen, in its day

And here is the kitchen about a year ago...ah, I had forgotten its happiness. Yeah...I am still going to post a picture of now...I just have to get the counter tops cleaned off first. No sense in embarrassing myself...right? Anyway...say good bye to that carpet you see. It is OUT OF HERE! I am HAPPY! I believe that it will be glorious when it is all done. Yeah...come over when it is finished...but take off your shoes. We are likely to baby this floor for a while. :)

My kitchen, before it was my kitchen

This is my kitchen before we moved in...look at the completeness of the floor and how the island is in the center of the floor...as it should be. Ah...those were the days. Well...the walls are better now. They are red and lovely and I frequently sit with my back to the TV and just take in the small area of our house that has color. I LOVE color. It makes me happy, happy! I shall now get out my camera and take a picture of what my kitchen looks like today...you will notice a difference...there are appliances now, although, the refrigerator cubby will be just as empty. The big difference...in this picture we did not own a refrigerator...now we do.

Drumroll please...

I could have a new floor by the end of THIS month. No, really. AND we ARE extending the wood through the living room and getting rid of this NASTY carpet. I am giddy. I am quite certain that by my old age I will have arthritis in every toe and I will forever blame this floor fiasco. I cannot tell you how many times I have nearly ripped off a toe on the uneven boards where I stand to cook and do dishes. Yes, stop laughing, I do cook and do dishes...when I have to. You may have forgotten when all of this started. It was late FEBRUARY! It is now mid-JULY! That is a long time...to me. I long to be able to walk across the floor without fear. I even long to sweep and mop. Yeah...it has made me crazy. The love the idea of feeling like the floor is clean and to have it feel clean without getting on my hands and knees to vacuum around all of the uneven boards and then scrub the concrete with a scrub brush or rags on my hands and knees because it eats mops. My heart is a flutter at the thought. It is, after all, the little things. :) I am also excited about the fridge being in the fridge hole and the bar being in its rightful spot and the kitchen table going back to where it belongs. Oooh...my adrenalin is pumping now! I LOVE the idea of being able to be happy in my house again. This has really affected me mentally. Now, there was good from it...my kitchen is now a beautiful red instead of blah and I am getting new flooring in my living room...and it happened at a time when the kids are big enough that I am not nervous about having wood in the main living area. This is good. Maybe the lack of carpet will even make them want to play upstairs more. Okay...now I am just getting crazy. That was a reach. LOL! Anyway, the prospect of progress has renewed me. I am off to clean the house and begin moving the smaller items to the upstairs. Oh, another great thing...we will get the air ducts cleaned when it is all over...we have to. The dust will be horrific. We have lived here 5 and a half years...it is time anyway. I am anxious to see what happens with the kids and my allergies with the carpet gone and the ducts clean. Should be good. Oooh...AND, it is summer now...we do not have to be cooped up in a hotel room all together. The kids and I can be nomads and cruise from family member to family member and have fun with the time out of the house. First stop...Norman to see my sister and nephews. From there, likely Muskogee and 2 days of water park fun. Maybe we will go hang out at our lake house for a while...anyone want to play? :) Maybe we will even make it to Dallas to see the other sisters and nieces and nephew. The possibilities are endless. Likely we will spend at least one night in the hotel with daddy and swim in their pool, but only because the kids think that is the coolest thing EVER, but I am sure the excitement will fade quickly when there is nothing to do in the room. Anyway, I plan to stay gone longer than necessary to give the floor extra time to dry and any fumes to dissipate...and it is fun to travel during the summer. :)

Be careful, my friends. It is ghastly hot out there...107 yesterday and the forecast for this week is nasty!

Thanks to the new yard guys

So, yesterday my husband hired the neighbor's yard guys to care for our lawn. They said that they would come out today...Saturday...then we would be on a Friday schedule. They started weed eating at SEVEN AM! No, I am not kidding and I hope the neighbors...especially the ones next door with the teenage kids, do not hurt us. My in-laws are here and I thought I was sleeping in today. Luckily A) I NEED to start getting up earlier. I have gotten really, really lazy and 2) I was actually already awake due to several other factors. Maybe, secretly, I don't really care that much about the teenagers. The other neighbors may get muffins of apology. But, on a positive note...my yard is about to look stellar! They neighbors will likely be pleased about that.

Weirdness this morning when I got up...the girl was up and playing her DSiXL...shocking...not...the boy IS STILL ASLEEP at 7:30am with all of the yard work going on. CRAZY! He is my early riser and is usually up between 6-7. How many of you do this?...even when your kid is nearly 5....I may have to go make sure he is breathing and safe. I am a neurotic loon. I just am. I was before I had kids and I got worse when I had them. If you are a neurotic loon single, having something or someone to worry about does NOT make you better. I'm just saying.

Well, I am off to bathe before 8am for the first time in weeks. I get to go to Duffy's for breakfast because my in-laws are here. They are amazing people too. I need to tell their story too. Happy Saturday friends. May you still be sleeping.

Heavy heart

I am trying to be productive today. Words this morning from my spouse indicated that he is expecting some productivity today. We have a few issues come summer time when he is working and he perceives my work to be all play. It is a common issue between working men and stay at home women. I don't let it get to me anymore. I am struggling to get moving and get things done. Part of it is due to the 2 nights of Wii Fit I have done and my inability to move my arms...or legs for that matter, but most of it is due to the fact that my heart feels like it weighs 40 pounds inside my chest. I have been catching up on the outside world today and it seems that while my head was in the sand at the lake, I missed out of a lot of misery by other. Well...I did not actually MISS it, but it was happening. One particular story has me beside myself. One of those "it could have happened to me" stories. My heart aches for this precious, faithful family and the pain they are experiencing. My heart is also so very touched by their amazing faith. Here, in their greatest trial, they are looking for God's purpose and are open to it's teaching. I am in awe and inspired by them. It has me wondering, would my knees hurt less if I were on them more? I need to step up my Bible time, my prayer time, my teaching God's story of love to my children...don't we all? Today I will pray for my friends and I will hug my children tightly knowing, despite one's "unique issues" that try me from time to time, I am blessed beyond measure by these intelligent, healthy, mostly happy children that doctors thought would never be and at times I feared they would not be as well. God is so good and so big and so mysterious, but He loves us fully and completely and He never promised we would not experience pain, in the words of Nichole Nordeman..."the promise was when everything failed...we'd be held."

Conflicting goals

I have a very, very mild problem. 2 of my goals are in complete conflict with one another. One goal is to be on the computer less, while the other is to blog more. Hmmm....this is a puzzler. I have so many stories I have not told...not that any one cares...but I have seen a lot of stories go with an older generation. And I am talking about REALLY good stories. My family, my grandparents generation in particular, had GREAT stories. They were an adventurous people. I want the stories of my kids to not be lost. I want to tell stories of those who are gone already...the ones who shaped my life. I have written about Grandma, but there are so many more. My aunt was amazing and I had a father and another grandmother and a grandpa and I want to tell their stories...at least from my perspective. There are people still living that have influenced me greatly as well...and they probably do not even know how much. One example...my mother's cousin - AMAZING human being. I have such fond memories of the man who bought us new sheets as kids and raced the alarm at the toll gate on the way to Tulsa just to give me and my sister a thrill. When I FINALLY met someone to marry, he and his wife threw me the most amazing shower and then made sure that the reception location was decorated when I had run out of funds. He is always there for his kids, for his extended family, for his friends, for my mom. He is incredible. What if I were hit by a bus tomorrow? All of my stories would be gone and my kids would have less memories to share with their kids of when they were young. My spouse is good, but let's face it...A) I am the one home all day and 2) He is a man and they do not hold on to the precious little details like we do. Anyway, I think I can work on both goals. I will be on the computer less for social networking and blog a little more...I hope...no I can...maybe...I will...we will see.

Hi

It is freaking hot, people! It had to be said...and I have said it. More interesting posts will show themselves one day. It is summer and I have 2 busy kids. Blogging is not so much a priority right now. I will give you a glimpse into future posts...my kids are ROCKING swimming lessons! I am very proud!

Laziness

I have it...all out laziness. I blame the weather, hormones and the recent weeks full of nonstop motion and have tos. I am revolting now by sitting on my butt. I may even half-arse this post, just to stay consistent. :) I am having an adult beverage and thinking about getting up and making dinner...maybe. Yeah...I am done now. Have a great weekend! I will tell tales of the last couple of weeks another time. I am lazy today.

Now, she is seven!

Here is my baby girl yesterday...on her last day of being 6. She looks pretty much the same today...but now she is SEVEN! :) She has had a great birthday...mostly because we know some really stellar people who are great at birthdays and making people feel special. 6 of you even follow this blog! :) She loved seeing all of the birthday wishes on my Facebook page and she started the day with a call from one aunt and set of cousins, had another call after school and ended the day with the third. Those are the calls that made her smile the biggest. I love that she loves family. The boy and I took her to school late, because we can, then we took her lunch and at 3pm, we took cupcakes to her class. Tonight she bridged from a Daisy Scout to a Brownie and got one more gift from a sweet, neighbor. It was a full day of birthday fun. That's how we do them here...big. I love her more every day. I don't know how, but I do. She amazes me. I love her. Thank you for helping me make her feel special!

My princess on her 7th birthday

Where do I even begin to tell the story of my princess?! It was a journey years in the making and one well worth the wait. It begins so long ago, but I will not start from the very beginning. Let's start at the happy part...or just before.

There are 3 days of my life that I remember every moment of and hope the crisp, clear thoughts of those days never fade. The first is the day I married my husband. It was a day I feared I would never see and its reality so exceeded any fantasy I could have imagined. I remember every minute of that day like it was yesterday. The minute the doors opened and I saw him standing at the front of the church in his tux I saw no one else. The church was full of people, but I never saw them. I remember him sliding the ring on my finger and my cheeks hurting so badly because I could not stop smiling. I remember the reception and having to be dragged out because I did not want to leave. It was a day of pure joy.

Following that day were many happy days, but then the sorrow of infertility hit. Seeking the right doctor to help us, surgery, procedures, medications, ultrasounds, failures and then...at long last...success! There was a brief fearful moment at that first ultrasound following the AI and positive pregnancy test. The doctor looked and looked and there were 2 sacks. One she passed by pretty quickly and the second she studied very closely. She mumbled and indicated that she feared that both sacks were empty. My heart stopped beating for a moment...then...after an eternity of fear, but only seconds in reality...she stopped and said these beautiful words, "Ah, there it is...see the yolk?" There was my baby...a little blip on a screen that I could scarcely even see. My heart swelled with love for my little dot. My mind remained curious about the other sack.

Time passed, love grew and so did our little blip. The next ultrasound showed a little alien and an even smaller alien in the sack not expected to develop. We were told not to get excited about #2, despite its development. It was much smaller. We called the larger one "Corn Flake" and the little guy was "Grape Nut." One week we finally got to hear Corn Flake's heart beat. It was the most beautiful whooshing sound and it filled my heart to overflowing. It was real...we were pregnant and my baby was fine. Sadly this day confirmed what we had been told from the start...Grape Nut was without a heart beat. There was a brief period to grieve this little life and then fear for Corn Flake and finally faith that our little one would grow to term and be healthy and happy...after all...it was now a Teddy Graham.

Now...here's the thing (as my kids say)...I had been having a reoccurring dream since just before the positive pregnancy test. I knew in my heart the day we went in for our "procedure" that were getting pregnant. My sweet husband was scared for me because I refused to believe differently and he was cautiously optimistic, but realistically guarded. He knew what failure would do to me. So, just prior to finding out that joy was ours...the dream started. I was in a nursery...there were 2 cribs but one baby and I could not determine a gender. The dream was short but always the same and I had it no less than 5 times in 2 months. Right before the appointment where we discovered that we were to only carry one baby I had the dream again...only this time it was different. I was in the same nursery and every event was as it had always been, but this time there was ONE crib, ONE baby...and it was a girl.

(Cue time passing music)...

I LOVED being pregnant. When I finally felt this little life flutter inside of me, I was over the moon! My husband took good care of us and grilled us steaks because that is what the baby wanted me to eat...giant steaks the size of my head....until the second trimester when the baby suddenly decided that it not only did not want any more steak...it also wanted no other form of protein. I remember the first bite of that last steak. My sweet spouse had made my favorite marinade and grilled up steak perfection. He beamed as he set the plate before me and looked at me with anticipation as I cut the first bite and put it in my mouth. I chewed and smiled and told him he did great...but inside my mouth my taste buds had suddenly turned on me. It did not taste good and I knew it was me. It was crushing. The whole second trimester was interesting with my new distain for meats. I also could not stand to be near anyone drinking anything alcoholic. I had formerly loved red wine and feared I would miss it, but now the smell was so offensive! I was eventually able to eat again, but it wasn't the same.

My little bundle was stubborn and, though I knew in my heart I was carrying a girl, she refused to allow us to confirm this fact. She sat in the most awkward positions...all of which covered her bits and pieces. One ultrasound she would sit like a frog with her feet on her bits, then another visit her thigh was off to the side obscuring our view. I LOVED every single ultrasound and laughed when we would watch the screen while I poked her to try to get her to show us her parts. Christmas came and went and she still remained modest. Finally, 2 days before my 36th birthday, I rubbed my growing belly and spoke to my offspring and explained to her that she had not cooperated for Christmas, but that it would be a lovely birthday present if she would just show us who she was. It was the shortest ultrasound of my life. I had to beg the OB to even do one. My sweet, formerly modest baby had backed up to my stomach and spread her legs wide giving us a clear, unobstructed view of her girly bits. We were, in fact, having a girl. We set to work on a name. Her middle name had always been Grace, but now that she was really a girl, her first name did not fit. Evalee was unique and pretty, but too soft for the bold life inside of me. We finally agreed on a name and it fit her, I felt it.

On Saturday, May 15th, 2004 my husband and I decided to spend the day together, knowing that these opportunities were fading fast. We had a few things left to do to prepare for the baby and I had a slew of baby shower gifts to put away...when so many great people wait so long with you and go through such a journey with you, they spoil you and your new baby rotten!..but we decided to just put everything on the back burner and enjoy each other. We went to the new aquarium and walked around a lot. We were hoping to encourage Kennedy to go ahead and get off my bladder and join us in the outside world. On the way home my hubby wanted to look at cars, so we did. When we got home I was so tired and not at all hungry and just felt off. Little did I know that I was already in labor.

And on to the second day I remember as though it were yesterday:

I had been sleeping on our couch for some time now. The bed hurt my hips and the couch cushions came together in just the right place to cradle them comfortably. I had covered the couch with a waterproof mattress pad, just incase my water broke one night. I had been assured by many that there was not really much chance of that happening, but I was taking no chances. On Sunday morning I awoke with this thought..."Oh no...I am having the pee pee dream. Wait...I am awake now and it is not stopping...wait...that is not pee pee...MY WATER BROKE!" Now I had the dilemma of how to get to the bathroom without messing up the brand new carpet. I made it. My sweet husband was also sleeping in. From the front bathroom I exclaimed, "OH GROSS!" I head him call out, "Are you okay?" "Yes...my water just broke and we are going to have a baby today." I heard him sit straight up, now fully awake. I could feel his anxiety level as I calmly stepped into the shower. "What are you doing?! We need to get you to the hospital!" "I am taking a shower...we have time and this feels gross." We were told to get to the hospital to start IV antibiotics since I had tested positive for step B. We arrived around 10:00am. I could feel no contractions, which amazed the nurses...but with each one, amniotic fluid would surge out of my body. I wanted the epidural so that I would no longer feel the disgusting cascade...no dice. ;P We called our parents and my sisters and let them know what what going on. I assured my mother, only 45 minutes away, that she had plenty of time to go to church. Everyone made it and it was a beautiful day of sitting and chatting and waiting. The nurses continued to ask me about the contractions and I continued to deny I was having any. They would show me a monitor and tell me I was in the middle of a contraction so I would tell them on a scale of 1 to 10... I was a zero. :) We found out that my doctor was not on call and there was a brief moment of fear when the doctor on call had NO sense of humor. I did finally get an epidural out of fear of impending pain. The grumpy L&D nurse grumbled something to the effect of, "You watch...this baby is going to come right at shift change." At one point my room was full of medical people...I thought it was normal...it is not. Apparently my eager princess stretched out one arm for a moment and there was some concern that she would try to be born this way...which I found out later would have been a bad thing. Always my cautious child, I believe she was just testing her new environment and making a plan before arrival. :) She retracted her arm and after several heart rate scares, bags of cold IV fluid and oxygen...my little princess was delivered on the third round of pushing with one hand right under her chin. The doctor, who had lightened up a little, said that she was ready for Daddy's credit card. And, by the way, the nurse had been correct...it was 6:47pm...right before shift change.

She was born on 5-16 and weighed 6 lbs 15 oz. When they laid her in my arms, 3 and a half decades of waiting and growing and preparing and worrying flooded from me in an endless stream of happy tears. She was here...I was a mother...she was perfect and beautiful. All of those baby shows I had been making fun of for years suddenly made sense as I kissed her fresh head. She surprised me with a head full of dark hair. She looked at me with only one eye, and did this frequently. We called it her peep eye and she became our little peeper. She left for school today, 7 years later, with me saying, "Love you, Peep!" I watched my husband grow into a Daddy in the blink of an eye. This man who had never been around babies was such a natural with his own. We took her in, all 19.5 inches of her...we were a family.

My life changed that day...in a way, it was my birthday too. I am not who I was prior to that day and all for the better. I look at her in awe every single day. She is beautiful and smart and loving and everything you could dream of in a daughter. I wonder how I could be so blessed! Each night, when I pray, I thank a merciful, loving God for entrusting me with such a gift.

The third day will have to wait...his turn is not until the end of August and this post has already eaten a lot of day. :) Plus, I like to build the suspense. :)

Happy birthday, Peep! Daddy, Andrew and I love you so much!

Holy Cow

Look at that...I posted pictures...and it was easy...and I feel like a moron! Oh well! There ya go. I learned something new today. :)

The butterflies are free...and so is a tooth.

Today, after school, we released the butterflies. It was time. They were flying around all crazy and were ready to go. The kids had very mixed emotions about it. They knew it was the right thing to do and they wanted the butterflies to be happy and free, but they love the little buggers and liked having them around. I was ready to not have one more thing to feed and also eager to not have one die in my home where my ever so sensitive son lives. :) But really...I was a bit sad too. It was only when I was cleaning out the habitats that my sweet son realized that the one little guy that had fought to emerge for around 5 days was actually dead. He handled it well, but he was so sad about it. He is so tender hearted. I would love the find the butterflies and hug them and thank them for the way in which they departed. They gave my children the best goodbye. They each had one butterfly who was reluctant to go and hung out on their tiny, precious fingers for a long time. The boy actually got his out 3 different times and it just sat there on his finger as he walked around the back yard. I finally told him that if it did not want to go today, we could keep him a bit longer and try again another day, but it did eventually fly away. The girl got her out twice and was also about to keep it a while longer when it followed its friend into the great wide open. It was a beautiful day for a butterfly release. The wind had FINALLY calmed itself and it was not raining, or too hot, or too cold. It was beautiful. The pure joy in the hearts and souls and smiley faces of my children as they held the reluctant butterflies and marveled at their willingness to sit there on their wee fingers was contagious. I love those butterflies for giving my kids this experience and joy. Nothing fills me up like the joyous laughter of my children. It made it such a happy occasion instead of a tearful goodbye. They both remarked about how happy the butterflies were to be free. One landed briefly on our roof and this made the boy giggle for some reason. The girl watched them until they could be seen no more and smiled the whole time...which was also fun because it would be one of the last smiles for one of her teeth. :)

Yup, she lost another one. Growing up too fast. She thinks it is a riot that she has lost her 7th tooth less than 2 weeks before turning 7. It is fun. Her mouth is a mess. I look forward to seeing where all of this is going. I see braces in her future...but I knew this before she had teeth. Both of her parents had them...and need them again. :(

It is so late and I am so tired and altered somewhat from medication. I hope this post makes sense in the morning. But if not, meh. It will still help jog my memory of the great time setting butterflies free in the backyard in the spring of 2011. :)

I used to write

I used to write...a lot. Of course, I used to have a whole lot of alone time...too much alone time. I have traded this alone time for a lot of work and hardly ever ANY time alone and not enough of me to even begin to know where to start writing again. It is AWESOME! I miss some things, TV shows that are not animated, books without pictures, peeing and bathing alone, vacuuming at 1am without fear of waking anyone, being out of my house at night, and other equally not important things. I do miss writing though I do not miss needing to write. It kept me going for a long time. At times, it even kept me alive. It was the only way I knew to purge my soul. I think I want to try to carve out some time for myself and see what my soul has to say. It is so full now. I think it might have some great stuff to say. When my soul was empty, it had a lot to say. What will it say full? I am no where near who I once was that that me seems as though it was someone else. I see her sometimes...when I have had a bad day, or I do not feel well...I see her in the mirror. I feel differently about her than I used to. I am more patient with her when she is around and she doesn't stay as long. Sometimes she frustrates me, like she used to, but I have learned that if she is here, it is because I am not doing a good job of taking care of me.

I am so tired that my thoughts are jumbled and making little sense. I just needed to make an effort here. It was an odd day and not good odd. But, even the bad things happened in a way that was as good as possible. So much worse could have come out of the things that were bad. I am grateful.

I used to sit in deafening silence

In an empty apartment

Hearing the sounds of my own heart

Beating only because that was its job,

And hearing the TV

Or the lives of others

Rushing around outside my door.

I used to sit a lot

And do nothing.

I used to drive at night and get lost in movies

And stay up late and sleep in while time crept by

And go places and do things with my friends,

But not now.

Now, even the silence is not silent.

I hear breathing all around me.

I live in a house that is full of life

And my heart beats for those who live here.

I still hear the TV,

But the lives of others is muffled by

The lives that are one with my own.

I rarely sit, and if I sit

It is to rock the small people

Who call me "Mommy"

Doing nothing is a foreign concept

Driving at night so rare

That I struggle to locate my headlights

I no longer get lost in movies

I now get lost in the pretend play

That swirls and changes with each breath

Of each child trying to keep up with their own ideas.

I still stay up late, I have to

Lest the house and its contents take over and choke us all,

But there are no more late mornings in my world.

Time goes too fast these days to sleep in and miss a moment.

I used to be a lot of things that I lost

But I do not miss them

I traded them in for things that are so much better.

I live now...not just physically

But in my soul, where it counts.

My soul sings and dances and does not care who is watching

Or that it has no rhythm or that it sings off key.

It cannot help itself.

When I lost all of me...

I became found.

When I did not know who I was

It was because I was not yet me.

I thought that I was supposed to be

That which I was named

But then,

At long last

I discovered the real me

And her name is

Mommy.

-A. Christine Tolar

April 28, 2011

The butterflies

I have a lot to say today. Mostly because I have a lot to do and I don't want to. :) I did want to update on our nature friends. Wednesday those little guys started popping out like popcorn. I was so sad that the girl was at school. I nearly went and got her, but could not truly justify yanking her out of school to stare at butterflies whom we have yet to actually catch coming out. First the boy had one butterfly. Being first, of course, thrilled him beyond measure. Then the girl had one, then 2 then 3. The boy's enthusiasm faded. Then, we saw movement. I grabbed the video camera and filmed as one of the boy's butterflies struggled to emerge. For over an hour we watched, then the boy got tired and went to take a nap and I fell asleep watching this little guy fight and fight. I knew, by this time, that this was not normal or we would have not been so surprised by the others just suddenly being there. He struggled for a long time, then he would rest and gather his strength. It was painful for me to watch. I wanted so much to help him somehow, but I had no idea how. I imagine I will feel much like this as my children grow into teenagers. I am watching a friend deal with it now. Sometimes changing, growing, emerging is hard work and painful and just something you have to do on your own despite the people who love you who are looking at you struggle and dying to help you. I am not sure what is going to happen to this little guy. I pray that he makes it. It is important to my son. Yesterday I thought the little guy was dead...the butterfly and not my son, of course...but then, this morning, my daughter said, "The paper in A's tree house is shaking really hard." Sure enough...this little guys is at it again. His will to live is very strong and he is not giving up and he is not going down with out a fight. We cheered him on for a while before it was time to take K to school. I keep sneaking in there and giving him a pep talk...letting him know we are rooting for him. It makes me feel better. It is still hard to watch him struggle, but if he makes it...it will amaze me. It would be a neat Easter treat. I will keep you posted. I wish you could see it yourself. You would cheer out loud too. You just can't help it.

What a week

WOW, what a week. Only one big thing, but that coupled with little things and on going things got the better of me. I have my moments. Try to suppress the shock. :) I do, even in my moments, realize that I am ginormously blessed...really, I do. I am very grateful this very week that nothing is currently attacking my 3 great loves. Hubs is good, the boy is good...hyper as all get out, but good ;P...and the girl...I cannot express the gratitude in my heart for the health of my sweet princess. In her nearly 7 years of life, we have never had such a healthy time as this. Her body know it too...she has grown an inch and gained 4 pounds since Christmas! This is big. She is starting to close the gap between her and her classmates. She will likely never be a tall girl, but there was a good chance of that anyway. She looks remarkably like her grandma who is about 5 foot 1 inch on a good day. Her brother is going to be tall, and she struggles a little with this knowledge, but the truth is, if one was going to be tall and one was going to be...less tall, I would choose it this way. And I believe she will be fine. We are hoping for 5'4" at least. My current hopes is that we just increase her %. She was in the 90th percentile as a baby and the 25th percentile at 6. But I digress...as I often do.

My babies are healthy...the Heavens rejoice! I am, once again, having...issues. I have an extra vertebra. I am told it is at the top of my sacrum. It has, obviously, always been there. I was teased a little as a kid because it caused me to be very sway-backed. It has annoyed me for years because of how it makes my clothes lay. The tail of my shirts get caught on my butt shelf. Nothing major. I cannot do a forward roll because my spine does not roll. I cannot do the splits because of the rotation in my hips. So what. Who runs around as an adult doing forward rolls and the splits?! I mean, really! The problem is, I am not known for taking good care of myself or making exceptions for things that are not a good idea for MY body. Again...try to contain your shock. From childhood I have carried things that were too heavy for me just to prove I could. I was a little kid...like my daughter, only I resented it and was out to prove I was not limited by my size. I used to run around the gym in Jr High with a cheerleader on my shoulders. When we hauled feed bags for our weird assortment of animals, I tried to carry two 50 pound bags at a time. Idiot. I see this now and am more careful...usually. I am not patient...stop gasping. I do still move furniture on my own on occasion, but only when I REALLY need it done RIGHT NOW and no one is around to help. :D I had trouble during my second pregnancy when my breech son liked to stretch his legs onto my nerves. I FINALLY returned to yoga recently. Yoga is WONDERFUL for a multitude of things both physical and mental. Then it happened...PAIN. Just a little at first. I expected this. I had not done organized exercise for YEEEAAARRRS. Then it was just in one spot in my low back...the same spot annoyed by pregnancy. I thought that it was a good idea to attend "Soft Yoga" and stretch this problem area out gently. Yes, I DO know how to do things gently. Things went okay. Didn't really help much, but wasn't worse. Then we went into corpse pose...flat out on our backs. We always do. It is supposed to be relaxing, and I am sure it is for most...for the record, it is not and never has been for me. My sacrum just sticks out too far. When it was time to rise, the pain was amazing and then my left hip refused to support my body at all. It took a while to get to my car and it wasn't pretty. Such severity, in my book, warrants a call to my doctor. Despite my warnings of spinal abnormality, my GP was a little taken aback when reviewing my films. I guess he wasn't listening when I told him what my films would look like...poor guy. I wish I could figure out how to post a picture of my MRI...nearly a 90 degree curve is a freakish thing to see in a spine. If it were not my own I would find it most fascinating. This was Friday. Tuesday I get the call...degeneration of the lumbar spine and left hip. These are not words you want to hear. I did not take them well. My spine is important and I do not want it to deteriorate...I need it. It holds me up when I do a lot of things...important things like dancing in the living room with my babies. Wednesday I had an MRI and now I wait...another thing I do not do well. I am filled with a lot of emotions...some fueled by the steroids I had to take this week. I am mostly scared and have a lot of questions. How do we fix it? How do we stop it from getting worse? What does this mean for me long term? What did I do to make this happen? Is this a sign of early osteo because I do not take my calcium more regularly? Yup...I always end up at the self blame game. It is what I do. I come from a long line of folks who do it and I am trying desperately to stop the cycle for my wee ones...I am failing at this so far. I am grateful I am not looking at something like cancer, and I truly am aware that others have so much more to deal with than I...a point that I have been overly reminded of lately. But for this moment in time, while I wait for answers and a plan...I have feelings. They are mine and it is okay to have them. And for this moment...I am in a whole freaking lot of physical, screaming, activity limiting pain, so from time to time, I am going to whine about it for a minute. I will always come back to having perspective, but I am human and have these moments and it is the most normal thing I do. When things are new, and I have no plan and no answers and a lot of fear...I panic for a minute. I hope to hear from my doctor soon. I need answers. Whatever they are, once I have them I can make a plan...I need a plan. I type this to process...for me. I need no sympathy, but any prayers sent my way would be much appreciated. In all of this the little things go on and compound into periods of time in the ugly place. I am better today. I still have no kitchen floor and am losing hopes of ever having one, my spine is falling apart, but my family is healthy, I have the greatest friends in the whole entire universe and more importantly...it is Easter weekend. I did not get to get my decorations out this year and that has added to my sadness...they are my favorites. I love the bright happiness that is Easter decorations. It is Easter...and I KNOW in my heart what that means, with or without decorations and my kids KNOW what Easter is really about. And when you have that going for you...everything else is so minor.

Happy Easter weekend. God sent his son to die for you...think about that. Look at your own child and realize what that means. How great a love is this?! All else pales in this knowledge. "He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today! He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way. He lives! He lives! Salvation to impart, you ask me how I know He lives, He lives within my Heart."

They are heads

Today I opened the jar to put the evolving caterpillars into the Butterfly Tree House...those are definately heads in the bottom of the jar. Nasty...cool. We anxiously await butterflies. I am loving this.

Caterpillar update

Okay...it makes more sense...it now appears as though those are caterpillar hineys on the floor of the jar as the little guy I wrote about last night has finally entered his changing chamber and a bit of his tail end is squished on the outside. It takes away none of the fascination of the process, but it does make more sense. Even my soon to be 7 year old stated, "God does not always have to make sense, you know." I love her spiritual heart. She will be baptised soon and I must tell her story, but later. Now it is time to prepare for the day and dress the wee people for school and a fun play date with friends that I am long overdue to chat with in person.

I thank my friend, Michael, for sharing the story behind the man who wrote "It is Well With My Soul" on my Facebook page. You should Google "It is well with my soul story." Such a beautiful hymn born out of such immense tragedy. What a testament. I am humbled by the faith. Have a great day, people!

A deep day

Sorry for the massive dry spell. It seems as though I forgot my password...silly me. I remembered. I have been busier than usual and during my absence I lost most of my kitchen floor. Well, it isn't lost as much as it was ripped out due to water damage from our fridge which had a cracked housing around the water filter. But that, my friends, is a story for another day. I am trying to avoid such unpleasantness at this time.

I have been in a mood lately. Neither good nor bad...yet both at the same time. It is an odd place and I am ready to be past it, but it is better than the place I was last week. Today has been full of much thought. It didn't start that way, but then I went to yoga. I love and hate going to yoga. I always feel better when I go, but I do not particularly like doing it. I do love having 70 minutes devoted to being in the moment. Yoga only works if you are present in the moment. If your thoughts drift to anything outside of that room or even anything off of your own mat, you will wobble and fall. The other thing I enjoy about yoga is its gentleness. You don't DO yoga...you ALLOW yoga to happen. When you relax into a pose, you can get much more stretch out of it. If you try to make a pose happen, your muscles get tight and you cannot go as deep into the pose. Yoga meets you where you are...in the moment. Don't get me wrong. It is a work out and you can push yourself...but gently. If you have not tried it, I recommend it. It is good for everyone. There is a variation of every pose that is at your level whether you are a former couch potato who is just beginning, or an athlete that is trying something new. It makes me feel like no other form of exercise does. It makes my brain happy.

So, today I did not feel like going to yoga. I pondered a nap instead. I tried to go to the 9:30am class but traffic and dropping off children did not lend itself to a 9:30am class this particular Tuesday. I was going to have to go at 12:30pm if I was to go at all. I finally made the decision to drag myself there and make myself do it. I walked in and there were TWO other people there today. Both men are regulars to J's 12:30pm class. I see them every time I go. One of them, A, is an older man and he welcomed me and let me know that they had wondered where I was. I have not been to this particular class for a while. He asked how my elbow was doing and made me feel like I had been missed. It was a good way to start the class I had not even wanted to go to. Everyone was chatting about different injuries they are healing from, how they got them and different instances in which they had pushed themselves, despite injury, a little harder than they should have. The instructor shared a brief bit of personal info and we decided to start the class more actively than the traditional quiet intro. We were reminded to be in the moment and to be gentle with ourselves...unlike the stories we had been sharing. The class and the moves themselves were nothing extraordinary. It was a yoga class like any other...but it wasn't. At the end we went into our "corpse pose" and relaxed, clearing our minds and focusing on our breathing...just as we always do. Then, we closed with a meditation...Happy, healthy, safe and suffering. We were to say, silently to ourselves, that we wished for ourselves to be happy, healthy, safe and free from suffering. We were to do this 5 times. Then we were to say it for someone close to us, then for someone we knew to be suffering and then for someone we had negative feelings toward. It sounds hokey...but try it some time. It was actually quite powerful. When I returned home I plugged my iPhone into my new speaker...which I LOVE, by the way. The songs it chose to give to me were perfect for where I was and ended with "It is Well with My Soul." That was the perfect song to sum it up...it IS well with my soul, so what ever this is that I am in the middle of, it is what it is and all will be fine as long as it is well in my soul.

I have spent a great part of the evening watching my children's caterpillars as they are in various stages of change. I am fascinated by this process. We have had caterpillars before, but never have I watched them in such awe. How can anyone look at this process and not see that there is God? It is absolutely amazing. They come in a jar and are pretty small. In no time they have grown into long, fat, nasty looking caterpillars. Then the magic happens. They climb to the lid of their jar and hang upside down. At some point I swear that their heads come off because there looks to be caterpillar heads in the bottom of the jar...nasty, but cool. Then they become a chrysalis. I have tried with all of my might to catch this part happening, but I have been unsuccessful. Then, after they hang there inside their little shell for about a week, they come out and stretch their wings and are something completely different. They are something more beautiful. They can fly. Tonight as I watched, though, this one caterpillar who has been hanging there all day was convulsing. He would wiggle and curl a little then relax again. It happened over and over. It looked painful and I began to wonder what it must feel like, this transformation. Does it hurt? It seemed so metaphorical as it is so often painful, this transformation of life. How often do we pulse and writhe as we grow into something new? I wonder if the caterpillar knows that it is on its way to becoming a beautiful butterfly. I wonder if I will remember, the next time I am struggling through a difficult time, that I too am transforming. Maybe I will embrace the painful transition believing that it will lead to a more beautiful me. Or maybe my head will pop off and I will whine to all of you about it. :) Either way, I am glad we are all in this together.

Told you it was a deep day. Lots of words tonight. Many more inside, but they will have to

stay put for now. I am tired. Wonder where my dreams will go.

Yeah...I didn't post for a while...again

I am never going to be consistent with this...let's face it and move on.

We are doing a fast of sorts. I say "we" but really the hubs is doing it and I am pretending to do it while he is home. Okay...I am mostly doing it too. "Mostly?" you may ask...yeah...a) I am not over weight and 2) I do not like these kinds of things...3) I like wine. ;) I have to say...I AM STARVING!! We are eating things that grow from the Earth...fruits, veggies, whole grains...no dairy...no meat...no leavened bread...no flavor. I am grumpy...not gonna lie. I like coffee and sugar and cheese. Big downer...my belly is the size of half way through my 2nd trimester with the boy...and I am quite certain it is all air. It isn't pretty over here.

On other fronts...we went to church for the 3rd week in a row. Not gonna lie...I love it. The best part...the kids are still excited to go. Andrew asks when we get to go to church again and this week was excited to wear his new church clothes. Yeah...we went 2 weeks in a row and were out of things to wear. It had been a while. I LOVE that my kids love church now and they LOVE to read from their Bibles. They get really sad when I say, "No, it is late...we have to go to bed now." because they want more Bible stories. I won't lie...I feel guilty when I make them go to bed wanting more...it is THE BIBLE...and they WANT it...I have to start bed time earlier so we can read more. The Bible is hard to read with kids! Have you noticed? These are not always kid friendly stories! It is a violent book! Maybe they love it because it is the most violent thing I read them. LOL! I love that they love it. They both have a true and deep love of the Lord. I am so grateful and hope I can keep this going for them. Their lives will be so much fuller if they get this early.

I am going to bed now...otherwise...I am going to eat sugar straight from the sugar shaker. I miss it...I need it...I am hungry.

Thank you, Asbury!

So, after not going to church consistently or hardly at all for...well...forever, we FINALLY got to church today. We tried Asbury United Methodist because it is close to our house and my husband wanted to. I need to preface with WHY we do not go to church. We are a God loving group and most of us truly desire a consistent church life, but one of us does not...the boy likes to stay at home and is not one to embrace new environments and people. This is not the whole reason we have been lost sheep. We do not give our children such ultimate power. The main reason is that, A) we are rarely home on weekends and 2) if we are home, it is because someone is sick. So, this weekend we were home and mostly well in that the ill child has been on antibiotics for 9 days and thus I have deemed him socially acceptable. After much deliberation we decided to attend Asbury for the first time instead of our home church...which, for the record, I love. Asbury is HUGE and this offers a lot of benefits. The boy was NOT thrilled...the girl was elated. We got there in plenty of time to get the kids checked in and even ran into old friends. I literally peeled a weepy boy off of my leg at the door and agonized over leaving him. Took the girl up stairs and watched her go from excited and outgoing to overwhelmed and timid the minute we walked in the door to her class...which was HUUUUUGE. I did not agonize about peeling her off of my leg. I knew that she would interact and immediately have a dozen new friends. Hubby and I went to church. The message was good and the music was impressive. The service ended and it was the moment of truth...what kind of children would I retrieve? Obviously we picked up the more nervous child first...and he was closer to the sanctuary. The boy bounded through the door proclaiming, "MOMMY! I had FUN! I want to come here AGAIN AND AGAIN!" There came my biggest prayer of thanks for the day. My son LOVED church! Thank you, Jesus. We hurried upstairs to retrieve the girl to find her surrounded by friends from Girl Scouts and school. It was perfect and she was also so happy. Hubs liked the church and the size and his control over his level of interaction, so it looks like we may have a new church home. Me?...I just want us to go to church. I can be happy anywhere. It is not where I would necessarily choose to go if it were all about me, but I will enthusiastically attend because my family is happy...my family is happy at church. It is a great day.

Alas

I knew it would happen, though I was unprepared for how extreme it would be...the massive hormone induced cleaning and purging spree came to an abrupt halt and was followed by an inability to function in the adult world. I have been a slug...so sluggish I could not be bothered to type. I have had NO energy and NO desire to complete the projects I so ambitiously started only last week. I thought I was getting sick, but it seems to be just a case of hormones gone bad. Bugger. The headache is what gave it away. I did not even update my Facebook status...that is bad. I am, obviously, a little better today. Man, I wish there some middle ground in my world! Off to get the girl...let the weekend begin!

P.S.

I have an art supply problem...a big one. I need professional help and more storage! I also struggle to dispose of my children's numerous completed art projects. I have dozens of empty egg cartons and cringe when I throw one out. There are multiple empty oatmeal containers and other various items that could be turned into the next great work of art...I am sure of it. Please, come and save me from me.

I also kill plants. My latest victim has one leaf and I know he needs to go out with tomorrow's trash, but until he dies completely...I can't do it. I can't give up on him. It is a problem. I don't really want him to make it now. He is sad and ugly and his dead areas cannot be resurrected. If he revives himself, I will have a permanent Charlie Brown Christmas tree like plant. I don't want that, yet I cannot pull the plug. Someone come over and save me from myself.

And lastly...I was cleaning off my desk and discovered the thank you cards I had made after the boy's birthday. They are precious...and should have been mailed the first week of September! Crap...again. I suck at these things.

Neurotic turned useful

I am a hoarder...I admit it. I do not hoard live animals and turn them into dead or mummified animals, so I will cut myself some slack. I also do not have fecal matter lying around, so thus far, I may avoid being on TV. This weekend, I turned my neurosis in a positive direction and cleaned and purged like a freaking loon. My kids were playing so well together and my husband was playing with his new Jeep, otherwise, none of this would have been possible. It was crazy....I needed to be. Things have gotten out of control. The bad...or good thing is, I cannot turn it off. It is killing me to sit here and type, but I am tired and need to wind down. I was so crazy yesterday that I had to force myself to stop so that I could feed my kiddos lunch at 2pm! It feels so good to have accomplished something! My guest room is no longer a piled up dumping ground for things that need to leave the home. There is still some work to do, but it looks like a guest room and it feels good. I made a lot of trash out of what was on my desk too. As a matter of fact, I am typing on my laptop on my desk for the first time ever. I pray I can wake up for a 3rd day of this motivation...it is unlikely, but I did not expect a day 2, so I am ahead of the game. I need to turn the crazy on the boy's room and the down stairs. Got the girl's room yesterday at the beginning of the scurry. I like the purge. It feels good. I really do hate the piles and the clutter. I hate when they get the upper hand but it felt good to take control. Unfortunately, I likely gained 10 pounds during the purge as i purge better with beer. LOL! Oh well, as long as the job gets done...right?

I cannot end this post without mentioning my sweet kiddos. They rock! I have said it before and I pray that I can say it til the day I die. They are awesome and I love them more than words can say. This weekend would have been amazing without getting so much done. I loved listening to them play together all day yesterday. It was like the days of my youth playing in our playroom until we had to pee or eat or were forced to go to bed. It was awesome. The boy sounds bad with his pneumonia cough, but he had fun with his sister and she was a great sister. I love it. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Wow

Welcome to the world of Buzz Boy, the albuterol monkey. Poor kid. He is wired! I hate giving him that stuff. I always hated giving it to Kennedy too. I really hate it after having to be on it myself last year. But breathing is good and we need to do it. The boy did really well tonight despite his shaking and wiredness. I was really proud of him. He was sweet too. Loving and kind with a little bit of impish wicked. I loved it. I was trying to sing him to sleep but could not stop laughing at him. He is a funny guy. No more blood...YEA! I NEVER want to see that again. Tell me it is fine all you want...it ain't! It is like when the girl had surgery on her nose last year and when we were sinus rinsing her we dislodged a clot and she bled like she was dying and the sink looked like the shower scene from Psycho...you can tell me it's fine and you can even go so far as to call it "normal" and I can know that in my intelligent brain...but my heart is never going to buy it. My babies are to be protected and blood does not look protected. He is coughing more tonight, but the albuterol does make it sound better. Poor kid. He is going to get into a lot of trouble tomorrow and for once, when he says, "I just can't help it"...he will be telling the truth.

Beyond Grateful

Nothing like your child's health scaring the ever loving bejeezes out of you to pull you right out of yourself. The boy has been stuffy and coughing for a while now. EVERY time I take him to the doctor suspecting a respiratory ailment or sinus infection, she looks him over and tells me he looks good and may have a virus. This time I knew he had been around illness and no one who had been ill had required antibiotics so I decided to wait it out. This week I began to wonder if he had a sinus infection and possibly a touch of pneumonia. I have been battling myself mentally about whether to take him to the doctor or not and was revisiting the argument since it is now Friday and weekends do not tend to make sick kiddos better. During the mental tennis match it was time to take the girl to school. We were in the drop off line when the boy coughed again. They he said, "Mommy, what's this?" I was driving and said that I did not know and asked him to tell me more when the girl indicated that I did, indeed, need to turn around and look. It took me a moment to take in what I saw. There in my sweet, 4 year old's hand was a blood clot...a LARGE blood clot. It covered his entire palm. Well, I don't know if you have ever seen such a thing, but it will stop your heart and increase your adrenalin at the same time. I got out of my car, not paying attention to the car rider line nor caring that other people needed to drop off their kids and had no idea why I was delaying them. I grabbed a napkin and scooped the clot out of his hand while speaking all sickeningly sweetly to keep both kids calm while inside I was screaming in fear. Clearly the "should I take him to the doctor today?" question had been definitively answered. I lied through my teeth to keep the kids calm and told them it was really just a little blood, it was just in a bunch of snot making it look like a lot of blood. They bought it...I didn't. I immediately dialed the pediatrician, not caring one iota that I was on my cell phone in a school zone...and really, I am really careful about that one. I got the girl unloaded and off the boy and I went. The doctor's office was calm and this helped. I called the daddy and let him know what was up. I stayed calm externally, but I could not stop my hands from shaking uncontrollably. I paid our co-pay and sent the boy into the waiting room to watch the TV and then it happened...I lost control of the fear...just for a minute, but with witnesses. As I pulled myself back together I turned to see the daddy getting off of the elevator. His concern for our son so great that he had left a meeting to be with us. He is good that way. There was a lot of waiting but finally Dr. AS arrived and checked out our sweet boy. I whipped out the napkin and showed her the clot...she said, "WOW...that is impressive." I was validated. She checked his nose and immediately put our fears to rest when she assured us that the blood had come from a blown vessel in his nose and not from his lungs...WHEW! He has a raging sinus infection and the beginnings of a little pneumonia in his left lung, but he is okay. THANK YOU, GOD! It was a short time of a long morning. I have a new perspective for today. Screw the house work...the boy and I are going to watch crappy Mario Brothers' cartoons and snuggle...that is what we are supposed to do today. I have no idea what I would have done if it had been something serious. This boy holds a large chunk of my heart in his little paw. He lights up my life and frustrates me at the same time, but his blue eyes and sweet hugs and kisses keep me going some days. I am beyond grateful that God was holding us all and that He gave me a definite sign before the boy got really sick. I would appreciate a little more gentle sign in the future...but at least this one was crystal clear...it said, "YO...TAKE THE BOY TO THE DOCTOR NOW!" Sometimes it takes directness with me. In retrospect...because I am a little gross...I should have taken a picture of that bad boy...but trust me and Dr. AS...it was impressive.

Mario...the little bast (ehem)...plumber

Okay...I have problems...2...Mario and Luigi. I like a variety of their games, but I am not a great gamer...I am 40, cut me some slack. (and I was already a Teen when they first came out) I cannot get enough of these little guys. My son is OBSESSED with them. For Christmas my MIL got me Super Mario Brothers Galaxy. The kids love to watch me play it...I may have to take a Valium or put a stop to the watching me. I am NOT setting a good example. I am a screaming loon. IT IS A GAME! I say it to my kids, I say it to myself, but I do not listen to me any better than they do. I get particularly frustrated when Mario is swimming under water. When the game decides, it changes the camera angle which changes the direction I am swimming...usually just when I have finally gotten control of the little guy. It is crazy...I get it. But I may have mentioned before that I am a poor manager of emotions too. I yell at Mario...it is psychotic. I am working on it. But at least I am letting off some steam...right? I have caught my kids doing it now...I MUST stop and model better gaming behavior. We have so many things in life to get upset about...falling into a black hole with a game character after countless attempts to get to the top of a tower should not be one of them. Maybe I should give myself a time out.