The birth of the boy...who is now FIVE!

Then...and now. The boy is five today. The boy is FIVE today. How did this happen?! He is tall and thin and athletic and funny and sweet and a toot all at the same time. He loves cheese and sugar and his sister, believe it or not. He loves his family and he loves his God...most...more than his family and will tell you that a lot. I think he likes the orneriness of telling me he does not love me the most. I don't mind. I hope he always loves God more than me. He is supposed to. :) He loves sports...ALL sports, but he only wants to play baseball and soccer. He is thinking about trying football, but is afraid he might get hurt. I think he will get over that. Football is very big around here. He is so lanky though...not the football build. He could be a quarterback, or a receiver, or a kicker...that would be safer. :) He thought about hockey, but he is afraid he might get his teeth knocked out. That is okay...we live in the middle of Oklahoma where it has not been uncommon lately for the temperatures to reach 107 degrees...not a lot of frozen ponds about. :) Currently he only wants to play sports for fun. He refuses to play on a team where they keep score. It stresses him out. He is so afraid of losing. I have no idea where it came from, but he truly freaks out. It is sad and we are working on it because...well...sports are competitive...life is competitive.

Five years ago today, I was married to a great guy and was the mother of a smart, funny little 2 year old girl and we owned 2 houses. On this day, we sold our old house on the way to the hospital to have our son. It was CRAZY! We pre-signed papers and went off to the hospital. The girl went to Nanny Boo's to spend time with her cousins and was away from me for 4 days...the longest she had ever been away from me in her life. Ultrasound confirmed that the boy was still breech and the c-section would go as scheduled. I was a wreck and so scared of the surgery and anxious to meet my son and scared that I was forever altering the life of my daughter. In short...I was crazy. The morning is a blur. They took me in and gave me the spinal block and draped me and brought my husband in. He held my hand and talked to me the whole time...I was his concern...he is cool like that. I had THE most AMAZING anesthesiologist! He calmed my fears when I would panic and he told me everything that was happening behind the drape. I was mad that I was not allowed to watch...good call by my doctor. When they finally pulled my son from my body, (and the cord was NOT around his neck...there was NO reason for the little toot to be breach!) he was silent. This was a deafening silence filled with fear. The anesthesiologist was calm and told me, "I can see him. He is pink and he is moving and he looks good. Give him a minute and let them suction him." Sure enough, I soon heard his sweet cry. They brought him over and let me kiss his head and take a quick picture(the one you see above this post) and then they whisked him away. I made his daddy leave me and go with our son. He was 7 pounds, 2 ounces of pure baby perfection. He looked exactly as he does now only smaller and with less hair...it is almost weird. We had not settled on a name yet. I only saw him for a moment, but I knew him the minute I saw him. His name was obvious. I went to recovery and 15-20 minutes later my husband came to check on me. He said, in his cocky way, "I know who he is." "Oh yeah, smart guy...who is he? I just told the nurse who he is." He said our baby's name. My jaw hit the floor. That is EXACTLY who he is and we both knew it without ever talking to each other about it...creepy! I could not wait to be reunited with my sweet baby and explore every inch of his perfect baby self. I wanted to smell him and touch his sweet, soft baby skin and rub his precious little fuzz covered head. The whole day, and the 3 that followed are both hazy and clear all at the same time...Morphine itch and all.

Today, I am still married to the same great man...who is even greater, if that is possible...and I am the mother of a smart 7 year old girl and a funny 5 year old boy, still living in the same house we first brought him home to. We still have our 2 great but aging dogs and a couple of years ago we added a pet rat to the mix. I am enjoying this journey through life getting to know these great little people who call me "Mommy" and watching them become more every day. It is not all sunshine and roses, but the good does far outweigh the bad and there are more good days and happy moments than not. I am far more blessed than I deserve. Sometimes I feel like I am dreaming. If I am...don't wake me up.

My boy

I am so happy and full and blessed...and weepy. My baby boy turns 5 in 2 days. How has it been 5 years already? My baby is big...he will get loose teeth soon. I am not ready for this. I want to go back and take more pictures and snuggle more and read more books and worry about the house less. I want to hold on to more moments and be exhausted less. I want to be more patient and yet more firm all at the same time. I want to screw up less and mellow more. I LOVE my kiddos...there are not words to describe it. I think that they are AMAZING and I am in awe of the fact that they are mine. I am blessed far beyond words. I cannot take in the love...it is too big. They are a life long dream living before me and they are better than I could imagine. Oh, don't get me wrong...they are also a pain in the butt and a lot of work...but the love...that is something I could not have imagined. When I look into they eyes of my babies...my soul melts. I see God's love in a whole different way. He loves me SO much...that he sent these little monkeys to call me "Mommy"...how cool is that? He loves me SO, SO much that He sent His OWN monkey and allowed him to be crucified on a cross for me...Whew...THAT is a lot to take in. I look at my own son and think of the love I have for him and I think of Mary and of God. God sent HIS son...to DIE...for ME. WOW! And Mary...she carried this baby and gave birth in a pile of hay and raised and loved him KNOWING that he would die. That is a lot of pressure! I cannot imagine. My own wee boy said to me tonight, "What if I died on my birthday, Mommy?" I said, "That would be weird." trying to move on to another topic. He said, "It would be sad, Mommy." I agreed. It freaks me out when he talks that way. Too many stories involving children start that way. It makes me worry when his mind goes there. Small kids should not worry about that...but...I did, so I guess he is doomed. I should have laid with him when he asked. I was afraid I would fall asleep. If he asks again tomorrow...I am doing it. He is FIVE already...one day he will want me to keep my distance...I should hang out as closely as possible when and while I can. I love him...he is awesome.

I am hoping I come up with a post title by the end of this post. I have been very busy with new floor installation, rug shopping for new floors, vacation preparation, vacation, back to school and birthday planning. During all of this busy I lost a friend and nearly another. These lovely ladies were classmates of mine growing up. We are not really close these days...you know how it goes...you move away, get a family, get caught up in the now of your life...but I do consider them friends. I wish I had done more to make them know this. While on vacation recently, in a place I consider Heaven on Earth, I logged onto Facebook...just for a minute. There was a post that made my hair stand on end. A vivacious woman with so much love in her heart and a smile that could light up an entire state was gone. Further reading broke my heart even more...she was gone by her own hand. I still cannot digest it. It cannot be real. She would never do this...but she did. So loved with so many there for her, yet she could not reach out when things were the darkest. I cannot shake the sad this has left in my heart.

Last night there was a post by another former classmate...a strong, strong woman who takes no guff from the world. She cracks me up. It said, simply, "Just want to die". It stopped my heart. Post after supportive post by friends and former classmates went unanswered. Prayer chains were started and there was much anxiety. Thankfully there was a post this morning stating that the local police had gone to the home to check on her and she is alive. I pray that she gets the help she needs to over come the darkness.

I am not super close to these great ladies, thus, I never saw this coming. Turns out, that no one saw it coming. It is scary and sad and emphasizes the fact that we never really know what anyone is going through behind closed doors. We do not typically share these dark places with others and yet, I KNOW that we all have people who would drop everything and be there for us if we did open up. We all have dark places. If only we could feel freer to share them so that others would not feel so isolated in their darkest times. It reminds me of the early days of motherhood. NO ONE talks bout the despair and overwhelmed feelings that can hit in those early days. It makes you feel alone and like a horrible mother and it isn't until MUCH later that you find out that it is so normal and okay. I wish that we could all open up more and hide less, accept more and judge less. I include myself in this.

Should this day find you reading my blog, please pray for the family and friends of Kristi Beavers-Mays...particularly her children. She was a light in a dark world and I am sad that she felt so alone. Please also pray for Tammi. I have NO idea what she is going through right now, I just know that it is dark and overwhelming and I pray that she does not let it overtake her.

Life is made up of moments. Should you find yourself in a dark place, remember that it is a moment...it will pass...hold on tight and give it a chance. REACH OUT and call someone to help you hold on through it. God did not mean for us to be alone in the world. If He had...He would have stopped with Adam.

I am the world's worst at keeping up with people, but I am here. I will make time for any one who needs it, I am just dense and have to have things spelled out for me. LOL!

Love each other and be kind, with them and with yourself. We are all human and thus flawed. Cut yourself some slack and let others be there for you...they want to...they love you. Hug someone, pray for someone, let someone know you care. Have a great Wednesday! Love you!