Yeah...I didn't post for a while...again

I am never going to be consistent with this...let's face it and move on.

We are doing a fast of sorts. I say "we" but really the hubs is doing it and I am pretending to do it while he is home. Okay...I am mostly doing it too. "Mostly?" you may ask...yeah...a) I am not over weight and 2) I do not like these kinds of things...3) I like wine. ;) I have to say...I AM STARVING!! We are eating things that grow from the Earth...fruits, veggies, whole grains...no dairy...no meat...no leavened bread...no flavor. I am grumpy...not gonna lie. I like coffee and sugar and cheese. Big downer...my belly is the size of half way through my 2nd trimester with the boy...and I am quite certain it is all air. It isn't pretty over here.

On other fronts...we went to church for the 3rd week in a row. Not gonna lie...I love it. The best part...the kids are still excited to go. Andrew asks when we get to go to church again and this week was excited to wear his new church clothes. Yeah...we went 2 weeks in a row and were out of things to wear. It had been a while. I LOVE that my kids love church now and they LOVE to read from their Bibles. They get really sad when I say, "No, it is late...we have to go to bed now." because they want more Bible stories. I won't lie...I feel guilty when I make them go to bed wanting more...it is THE BIBLE...and they WANT it...I have to start bed time earlier so we can read more. The Bible is hard to read with kids! Have you noticed? These are not always kid friendly stories! It is a violent book! Maybe they love it because it is the most violent thing I read them. LOL! I love that they love it. They both have a true and deep love of the Lord. I am so grateful and hope I can keep this going for them. Their lives will be so much fuller if they get this early.

I am going to bed now...otherwise...I am going to eat sugar straight from the sugar shaker. I miss it...I need it...I am hungry.

Thank you, Asbury!

So, after not going to church consistently or hardly at all for...well...forever, we FINALLY got to church today. We tried Asbury United Methodist because it is close to our house and my husband wanted to. I need to preface with WHY we do not go to church. We are a God loving group and most of us truly desire a consistent church life, but one of us does not...the boy likes to stay at home and is not one to embrace new environments and people. This is not the whole reason we have been lost sheep. We do not give our children such ultimate power. The main reason is that, A) we are rarely home on weekends and 2) if we are home, it is because someone is sick. So, this weekend we were home and mostly well in that the ill child has been on antibiotics for 9 days and thus I have deemed him socially acceptable. After much deliberation we decided to attend Asbury for the first time instead of our home church...which, for the record, I love. Asbury is HUGE and this offers a lot of benefits. The boy was NOT thrilled...the girl was elated. We got there in plenty of time to get the kids checked in and even ran into old friends. I literally peeled a weepy boy off of my leg at the door and agonized over leaving him. Took the girl up stairs and watched her go from excited and outgoing to overwhelmed and timid the minute we walked in the door to her class...which was HUUUUUGE. I did not agonize about peeling her off of my leg. I knew that she would interact and immediately have a dozen new friends. Hubby and I went to church. The message was good and the music was impressive. The service ended and it was the moment of truth...what kind of children would I retrieve? Obviously we picked up the more nervous child first...and he was closer to the sanctuary. The boy bounded through the door proclaiming, "MOMMY! I had FUN! I want to come here AGAIN AND AGAIN!" There came my biggest prayer of thanks for the day. My son LOVED church! Thank you, Jesus. We hurried upstairs to retrieve the girl to find her surrounded by friends from Girl Scouts and school. It was perfect and she was also so happy. Hubs liked the church and the size and his control over his level of interaction, so it looks like we may have a new church home. Me?...I just want us to go to church. I can be happy anywhere. It is not where I would necessarily choose to go if it were all about me, but I will enthusiastically attend because my family is happy...my family is happy at church. It is a great day.

Alas

I knew it would happen, though I was unprepared for how extreme it would be...the massive hormone induced cleaning and purging spree came to an abrupt halt and was followed by an inability to function in the adult world. I have been a slug...so sluggish I could not be bothered to type. I have had NO energy and NO desire to complete the projects I so ambitiously started only last week. I thought I was getting sick, but it seems to be just a case of hormones gone bad. Bugger. The headache is what gave it away. I did not even update my Facebook status...that is bad. I am, obviously, a little better today. Man, I wish there some middle ground in my world! Off to get the girl...let the weekend begin!

P.S.

I have an art supply problem...a big one. I need professional help and more storage! I also struggle to dispose of my children's numerous completed art projects. I have dozens of empty egg cartons and cringe when I throw one out. There are multiple empty oatmeal containers and other various items that could be turned into the next great work of art...I am sure of it. Please, come and save me from me.

I also kill plants. My latest victim has one leaf and I know he needs to go out with tomorrow's trash, but until he dies completely...I can't do it. I can't give up on him. It is a problem. I don't really want him to make it now. He is sad and ugly and his dead areas cannot be resurrected. If he revives himself, I will have a permanent Charlie Brown Christmas tree like plant. I don't want that, yet I cannot pull the plug. Someone come over and save me from myself.

And lastly...I was cleaning off my desk and discovered the thank you cards I had made after the boy's birthday. They are precious...and should have been mailed the first week of September! Crap...again. I suck at these things.

Neurotic turned useful

I am a hoarder...I admit it. I do not hoard live animals and turn them into dead or mummified animals, so I will cut myself some slack. I also do not have fecal matter lying around, so thus far, I may avoid being on TV. This weekend, I turned my neurosis in a positive direction and cleaned and purged like a freaking loon. My kids were playing so well together and my husband was playing with his new Jeep, otherwise, none of this would have been possible. It was crazy....I needed to be. Things have gotten out of control. The bad...or good thing is, I cannot turn it off. It is killing me to sit here and type, but I am tired and need to wind down. I was so crazy yesterday that I had to force myself to stop so that I could feed my kiddos lunch at 2pm! It feels so good to have accomplished something! My guest room is no longer a piled up dumping ground for things that need to leave the home. There is still some work to do, but it looks like a guest room and it feels good. I made a lot of trash out of what was on my desk too. As a matter of fact, I am typing on my laptop on my desk for the first time ever. I pray I can wake up for a 3rd day of this motivation...it is unlikely, but I did not expect a day 2, so I am ahead of the game. I need to turn the crazy on the boy's room and the down stairs. Got the girl's room yesterday at the beginning of the scurry. I like the purge. It feels good. I really do hate the piles and the clutter. I hate when they get the upper hand but it felt good to take control. Unfortunately, I likely gained 10 pounds during the purge as i purge better with beer. LOL! Oh well, as long as the job gets done...right?

I cannot end this post without mentioning my sweet kiddos. They rock! I have said it before and I pray that I can say it til the day I die. They are awesome and I love them more than words can say. This weekend would have been amazing without getting so much done. I loved listening to them play together all day yesterday. It was like the days of my youth playing in our playroom until we had to pee or eat or were forced to go to bed. It was awesome. The boy sounds bad with his pneumonia cough, but he had fun with his sister and she was a great sister. I love it. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Wow

Welcome to the world of Buzz Boy, the albuterol monkey. Poor kid. He is wired! I hate giving him that stuff. I always hated giving it to Kennedy too. I really hate it after having to be on it myself last year. But breathing is good and we need to do it. The boy did really well tonight despite his shaking and wiredness. I was really proud of him. He was sweet too. Loving and kind with a little bit of impish wicked. I loved it. I was trying to sing him to sleep but could not stop laughing at him. He is a funny guy. No more blood...YEA! I NEVER want to see that again. Tell me it is fine all you want...it ain't! It is like when the girl had surgery on her nose last year and when we were sinus rinsing her we dislodged a clot and she bled like she was dying and the sink looked like the shower scene from Psycho...you can tell me it's fine and you can even go so far as to call it "normal" and I can know that in my intelligent brain...but my heart is never going to buy it. My babies are to be protected and blood does not look protected. He is coughing more tonight, but the albuterol does make it sound better. Poor kid. He is going to get into a lot of trouble tomorrow and for once, when he says, "I just can't help it"...he will be telling the truth.

Beyond Grateful

Nothing like your child's health scaring the ever loving bejeezes out of you to pull you right out of yourself. The boy has been stuffy and coughing for a while now. EVERY time I take him to the doctor suspecting a respiratory ailment or sinus infection, she looks him over and tells me he looks good and may have a virus. This time I knew he had been around illness and no one who had been ill had required antibiotics so I decided to wait it out. This week I began to wonder if he had a sinus infection and possibly a touch of pneumonia. I have been battling myself mentally about whether to take him to the doctor or not and was revisiting the argument since it is now Friday and weekends do not tend to make sick kiddos better. During the mental tennis match it was time to take the girl to school. We were in the drop off line when the boy coughed again. They he said, "Mommy, what's this?" I was driving and said that I did not know and asked him to tell me more when the girl indicated that I did, indeed, need to turn around and look. It took me a moment to take in what I saw. There in my sweet, 4 year old's hand was a blood clot...a LARGE blood clot. It covered his entire palm. Well, I don't know if you have ever seen such a thing, but it will stop your heart and increase your adrenalin at the same time. I got out of my car, not paying attention to the car rider line nor caring that other people needed to drop off their kids and had no idea why I was delaying them. I grabbed a napkin and scooped the clot out of his hand while speaking all sickeningly sweetly to keep both kids calm while inside I was screaming in fear. Clearly the "should I take him to the doctor today?" question had been definitively answered. I lied through my teeth to keep the kids calm and told them it was really just a little blood, it was just in a bunch of snot making it look like a lot of blood. They bought it...I didn't. I immediately dialed the pediatrician, not caring one iota that I was on my cell phone in a school zone...and really, I am really careful about that one. I got the girl unloaded and off the boy and I went. The doctor's office was calm and this helped. I called the daddy and let him know what was up. I stayed calm externally, but I could not stop my hands from shaking uncontrollably. I paid our co-pay and sent the boy into the waiting room to watch the TV and then it happened...I lost control of the fear...just for a minute, but with witnesses. As I pulled myself back together I turned to see the daddy getting off of the elevator. His concern for our son so great that he had left a meeting to be with us. He is good that way. There was a lot of waiting but finally Dr. AS arrived and checked out our sweet boy. I whipped out the napkin and showed her the clot...she said, "WOW...that is impressive." I was validated. She checked his nose and immediately put our fears to rest when she assured us that the blood had come from a blown vessel in his nose and not from his lungs...WHEW! He has a raging sinus infection and the beginnings of a little pneumonia in his left lung, but he is okay. THANK YOU, GOD! It was a short time of a long morning. I have a new perspective for today. Screw the house work...the boy and I are going to watch crappy Mario Brothers' cartoons and snuggle...that is what we are supposed to do today. I have no idea what I would have done if it had been something serious. This boy holds a large chunk of my heart in his little paw. He lights up my life and frustrates me at the same time, but his blue eyes and sweet hugs and kisses keep me going some days. I am beyond grateful that God was holding us all and that He gave me a definite sign before the boy got really sick. I would appreciate a little more gentle sign in the future...but at least this one was crystal clear...it said, "YO...TAKE THE BOY TO THE DOCTOR NOW!" Sometimes it takes directness with me. In retrospect...because I am a little gross...I should have taken a picture of that bad boy...but trust me and Dr. AS...it was impressive.

Mario...the little bast (ehem)...plumber

Okay...I have problems...2...Mario and Luigi. I like a variety of their games, but I am not a great gamer...I am 40, cut me some slack. (and I was already a Teen when they first came out) I cannot get enough of these little guys. My son is OBSESSED with them. For Christmas my MIL got me Super Mario Brothers Galaxy. The kids love to watch me play it...I may have to take a Valium or put a stop to the watching me. I am NOT setting a good example. I am a screaming loon. IT IS A GAME! I say it to my kids, I say it to myself, but I do not listen to me any better than they do. I get particularly frustrated when Mario is swimming under water. When the game decides, it changes the camera angle which changes the direction I am swimming...usually just when I have finally gotten control of the little guy. It is crazy...I get it. But I may have mentioned before that I am a poor manager of emotions too. I yell at Mario...it is psychotic. I am working on it. But at least I am letting off some steam...right? I have caught my kids doing it now...I MUST stop and model better gaming behavior. We have so many things in life to get upset about...falling into a black hole with a game character after countless attempts to get to the top of a tower should not be one of them. Maybe I should give myself a time out.

Things I am not

I am not a good manager of things...time, money, emotions. It is just not a skill I picked up as I grew. I don't know why. It made me very adaptable in my 20s and 30s but I find it grossly annoying now that I am 40 and a mother and wife and have so precious little time that is mine. I am not complaining about the time thing. I would choose no other life. I am just saying that if I were a better manager of time, I might be able to squeeze in some extra stuff for myself, or my spouse or my kids and maybe be a little less overwhelmed with the daily ins and outs of life. Really...I have 2 kids...not a herd. And they are great kids. They follow the rules, more or less...maybe too much. I should be a little more relaxed. (I need to teach them a little naughty so they do not grow up too uptight. Although...I do giggle with them about bodily functions...) I need to figure out how to embrace schedules and use them to my advantage. I need to find a middle ground and not jump off the deep end so often. I need balance. Maybe I need to go back to yoga...but then that is another thing to throw into my schedule and another thing that is taking my time...hmmm...one day. My poor kid. Maybe they will use this to be the opposite of me and be very good time managers and on time people. I can hope.