What a week

WOW, what a week. Only one big thing, but that coupled with little things and on going things got the better of me. I have my moments. Try to suppress the shock. :) I do, even in my moments, realize that I am ginormously blessed...really, I do. I am very grateful this very week that nothing is currently attacking my 3 great loves. Hubs is good, the boy is good...hyper as all get out, but good ;P...and the girl...I cannot express the gratitude in my heart for the health of my sweet princess. In her nearly 7 years of life, we have never had such a healthy time as this. Her body know it too...she has grown an inch and gained 4 pounds since Christmas! This is big. She is starting to close the gap between her and her classmates. She will likely never be a tall girl, but there was a good chance of that anyway. She looks remarkably like her grandma who is about 5 foot 1 inch on a good day. Her brother is going to be tall, and she struggles a little with this knowledge, but the truth is, if one was going to be tall and one was going to be...less tall, I would choose it this way. And I believe she will be fine. We are hoping for 5'4" at least. My current hopes is that we just increase her %. She was in the 90th percentile as a baby and the 25th percentile at 6. But I digress...as I often do.

My babies are healthy...the Heavens rejoice! I am, once again, having...issues. I have an extra vertebra. I am told it is at the top of my sacrum. It has, obviously, always been there. I was teased a little as a kid because it caused me to be very sway-backed. It has annoyed me for years because of how it makes my clothes lay. The tail of my shirts get caught on my butt shelf. Nothing major. I cannot do a forward roll because my spine does not roll. I cannot do the splits because of the rotation in my hips. So what. Who runs around as an adult doing forward rolls and the splits?! I mean, really! The problem is, I am not known for taking good care of myself or making exceptions for things that are not a good idea for MY body. Again...try to contain your shock. From childhood I have carried things that were too heavy for me just to prove I could. I was a little kid...like my daughter, only I resented it and was out to prove I was not limited by my size. I used to run around the gym in Jr High with a cheerleader on my shoulders. When we hauled feed bags for our weird assortment of animals, I tried to carry two 50 pound bags at a time. Idiot. I see this now and am more careful...usually. I am not patient...stop gasping. I do still move furniture on my own on occasion, but only when I REALLY need it done RIGHT NOW and no one is around to help. :D I had trouble during my second pregnancy when my breech son liked to stretch his legs onto my nerves. I FINALLY returned to yoga recently. Yoga is WONDERFUL for a multitude of things both physical and mental. Then it happened...PAIN. Just a little at first. I expected this. I had not done organized exercise for YEEEAAARRRS. Then it was just in one spot in my low back...the same spot annoyed by pregnancy. I thought that it was a good idea to attend "Soft Yoga" and stretch this problem area out gently. Yes, I DO know how to do things gently. Things went okay. Didn't really help much, but wasn't worse. Then we went into corpse pose...flat out on our backs. We always do. It is supposed to be relaxing, and I am sure it is for most...for the record, it is not and never has been for me. My sacrum just sticks out too far. When it was time to rise, the pain was amazing and then my left hip refused to support my body at all. It took a while to get to my car and it wasn't pretty. Such severity, in my book, warrants a call to my doctor. Despite my warnings of spinal abnormality, my GP was a little taken aback when reviewing my films. I guess he wasn't listening when I told him what my films would look like...poor guy. I wish I could figure out how to post a picture of my MRI...nearly a 90 degree curve is a freakish thing to see in a spine. If it were not my own I would find it most fascinating. This was Friday. Tuesday I get the call...degeneration of the lumbar spine and left hip. These are not words you want to hear. I did not take them well. My spine is important and I do not want it to deteriorate...I need it. It holds me up when I do a lot of things...important things like dancing in the living room with my babies. Wednesday I had an MRI and now I wait...another thing I do not do well. I am filled with a lot of emotions...some fueled by the steroids I had to take this week. I am mostly scared and have a lot of questions. How do we fix it? How do we stop it from getting worse? What does this mean for me long term? What did I do to make this happen? Is this a sign of early osteo because I do not take my calcium more regularly? Yup...I always end up at the self blame game. It is what I do. I come from a long line of folks who do it and I am trying desperately to stop the cycle for my wee ones...I am failing at this so far. I am grateful I am not looking at something like cancer, and I truly am aware that others have so much more to deal with than I...a point that I have been overly reminded of lately. But for this moment in time, while I wait for answers and a plan...I have feelings. They are mine and it is okay to have them. And for this moment...I am in a whole freaking lot of physical, screaming, activity limiting pain, so from time to time, I am going to whine about it for a minute. I will always come back to having perspective, but I am human and have these moments and it is the most normal thing I do. When things are new, and I have no plan and no answers and a lot of fear...I panic for a minute. I hope to hear from my doctor soon. I need answers. Whatever they are, once I have them I can make a plan...I need a plan. I type this to process...for me. I need no sympathy, but any prayers sent my way would be much appreciated. In all of this the little things go on and compound into periods of time in the ugly place. I am better today. I still have no kitchen floor and am losing hopes of ever having one, my spine is falling apart, but my family is healthy, I have the greatest friends in the whole entire universe and more importantly...it is Easter weekend. I did not get to get my decorations out this year and that has added to my sadness...they are my favorites. I love the bright happiness that is Easter decorations. It is Easter...and I KNOW in my heart what that means, with or without decorations and my kids KNOW what Easter is really about. And when you have that going for you...everything else is so minor.

Happy Easter weekend. God sent his son to die for you...think about that. Look at your own child and realize what that means. How great a love is this?! All else pales in this knowledge. "He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today! He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way. He lives! He lives! Salvation to impart, you ask me how I know He lives, He lives within my Heart."