I used to write

I used to write...a lot. Of course, I used to have a whole lot of alone time...too much alone time. I have traded this alone time for a lot of work and hardly ever ANY time alone and not enough of me to even begin to know where to start writing again. It is AWESOME! I miss some things, TV shows that are not animated, books without pictures, peeing and bathing alone, vacuuming at 1am without fear of waking anyone, being out of my house at night, and other equally not important things. I do miss writing though I do not miss needing to write. It kept me going for a long time. At times, it even kept me alive. It was the only way I knew to purge my soul. I think I want to try to carve out some time for myself and see what my soul has to say. It is so full now. I think it might have some great stuff to say. When my soul was empty, it had a lot to say. What will it say full? I am no where near who I once was that that me seems as though it was someone else. I see her sometimes...when I have had a bad day, or I do not feel well...I see her in the mirror. I feel differently about her than I used to. I am more patient with her when she is around and she doesn't stay as long. Sometimes she frustrates me, like she used to, but I have learned that if she is here, it is because I am not doing a good job of taking care of me.

I am so tired that my thoughts are jumbled and making little sense. I just needed to make an effort here. It was an odd day and not good odd. But, even the bad things happened in a way that was as good as possible. So much worse could have come out of the things that were bad. I am grateful.

I used to sit in deafening silence

In an empty apartment

Hearing the sounds of my own heart

Beating only because that was its job,

And hearing the TV

Or the lives of others

Rushing around outside my door.

I used to sit a lot

And do nothing.

I used to drive at night and get lost in movies

And stay up late and sleep in while time crept by

And go places and do things with my friends,

But not now.

Now, even the silence is not silent.

I hear breathing all around me.

I live in a house that is full of life

And my heart beats for those who live here.

I still hear the TV,

But the lives of others is muffled by

The lives that are one with my own.

I rarely sit, and if I sit

It is to rock the small people

Who call me "Mommy"

Doing nothing is a foreign concept

Driving at night so rare

That I struggle to locate my headlights

I no longer get lost in movies

I now get lost in the pretend play

That swirls and changes with each breath

Of each child trying to keep up with their own ideas.

I still stay up late, I have to

Lest the house and its contents take over and choke us all,

But there are no more late mornings in my world.

Time goes too fast these days to sleep in and miss a moment.

I used to be a lot of things that I lost

But I do not miss them

I traded them in for things that are so much better.

I live now...not just physically

But in my soul, where it counts.

My soul sings and dances and does not care who is watching

Or that it has no rhythm or that it sings off key.

It cannot help itself.

When I lost all of me...

I became found.

When I did not know who I was

It was because I was not yet me.

I thought that I was supposed to be

That which I was named

But then,

At long last

I discovered the real me

And her name is

Mommy.

-A. Christine Tolar

April 28, 2011

The butterflies

I have a lot to say today. Mostly because I have a lot to do and I don't want to. :) I did want to update on our nature friends. Wednesday those little guys started popping out like popcorn. I was so sad that the girl was at school. I nearly went and got her, but could not truly justify yanking her out of school to stare at butterflies whom we have yet to actually catch coming out. First the boy had one butterfly. Being first, of course, thrilled him beyond measure. Then the girl had one, then 2 then 3. The boy's enthusiasm faded. Then, we saw movement. I grabbed the video camera and filmed as one of the boy's butterflies struggled to emerge. For over an hour we watched, then the boy got tired and went to take a nap and I fell asleep watching this little guy fight and fight. I knew, by this time, that this was not normal or we would have not been so surprised by the others just suddenly being there. He struggled for a long time, then he would rest and gather his strength. It was painful for me to watch. I wanted so much to help him somehow, but I had no idea how. I imagine I will feel much like this as my children grow into teenagers. I am watching a friend deal with it now. Sometimes changing, growing, emerging is hard work and painful and just something you have to do on your own despite the people who love you who are looking at you struggle and dying to help you. I am not sure what is going to happen to this little guy. I pray that he makes it. It is important to my son. Yesterday I thought the little guy was dead...the butterfly and not my son, of course...but then, this morning, my daughter said, "The paper in A's tree house is shaking really hard." Sure enough...this little guys is at it again. His will to live is very strong and he is not giving up and he is not going down with out a fight. We cheered him on for a while before it was time to take K to school. I keep sneaking in there and giving him a pep talk...letting him know we are rooting for him. It makes me feel better. It is still hard to watch him struggle, but if he makes it...it will amaze me. It would be a neat Easter treat. I will keep you posted. I wish you could see it yourself. You would cheer out loud too. You just can't help it.

What a week

WOW, what a week. Only one big thing, but that coupled with little things and on going things got the better of me. I have my moments. Try to suppress the shock. :) I do, even in my moments, realize that I am ginormously blessed...really, I do. I am very grateful this very week that nothing is currently attacking my 3 great loves. Hubs is good, the boy is good...hyper as all get out, but good ;P...and the girl...I cannot express the gratitude in my heart for the health of my sweet princess. In her nearly 7 years of life, we have never had such a healthy time as this. Her body know it too...she has grown an inch and gained 4 pounds since Christmas! This is big. She is starting to close the gap between her and her classmates. She will likely never be a tall girl, but there was a good chance of that anyway. She looks remarkably like her grandma who is about 5 foot 1 inch on a good day. Her brother is going to be tall, and she struggles a little with this knowledge, but the truth is, if one was going to be tall and one was going to be...less tall, I would choose it this way. And I believe she will be fine. We are hoping for 5'4" at least. My current hopes is that we just increase her %. She was in the 90th percentile as a baby and the 25th percentile at 6. But I digress...as I often do.

My babies are healthy...the Heavens rejoice! I am, once again, having...issues. I have an extra vertebra. I am told it is at the top of my sacrum. It has, obviously, always been there. I was teased a little as a kid because it caused me to be very sway-backed. It has annoyed me for years because of how it makes my clothes lay. The tail of my shirts get caught on my butt shelf. Nothing major. I cannot do a forward roll because my spine does not roll. I cannot do the splits because of the rotation in my hips. So what. Who runs around as an adult doing forward rolls and the splits?! I mean, really! The problem is, I am not known for taking good care of myself or making exceptions for things that are not a good idea for MY body. Again...try to contain your shock. From childhood I have carried things that were too heavy for me just to prove I could. I was a little kid...like my daughter, only I resented it and was out to prove I was not limited by my size. I used to run around the gym in Jr High with a cheerleader on my shoulders. When we hauled feed bags for our weird assortment of animals, I tried to carry two 50 pound bags at a time. Idiot. I see this now and am more careful...usually. I am not patient...stop gasping. I do still move furniture on my own on occasion, but only when I REALLY need it done RIGHT NOW and no one is around to help. :D I had trouble during my second pregnancy when my breech son liked to stretch his legs onto my nerves. I FINALLY returned to yoga recently. Yoga is WONDERFUL for a multitude of things both physical and mental. Then it happened...PAIN. Just a little at first. I expected this. I had not done organized exercise for YEEEAAARRRS. Then it was just in one spot in my low back...the same spot annoyed by pregnancy. I thought that it was a good idea to attend "Soft Yoga" and stretch this problem area out gently. Yes, I DO know how to do things gently. Things went okay. Didn't really help much, but wasn't worse. Then we went into corpse pose...flat out on our backs. We always do. It is supposed to be relaxing, and I am sure it is for most...for the record, it is not and never has been for me. My sacrum just sticks out too far. When it was time to rise, the pain was amazing and then my left hip refused to support my body at all. It took a while to get to my car and it wasn't pretty. Such severity, in my book, warrants a call to my doctor. Despite my warnings of spinal abnormality, my GP was a little taken aback when reviewing my films. I guess he wasn't listening when I told him what my films would look like...poor guy. I wish I could figure out how to post a picture of my MRI...nearly a 90 degree curve is a freakish thing to see in a spine. If it were not my own I would find it most fascinating. This was Friday. Tuesday I get the call...degeneration of the lumbar spine and left hip. These are not words you want to hear. I did not take them well. My spine is important and I do not want it to deteriorate...I need it. It holds me up when I do a lot of things...important things like dancing in the living room with my babies. Wednesday I had an MRI and now I wait...another thing I do not do well. I am filled with a lot of emotions...some fueled by the steroids I had to take this week. I am mostly scared and have a lot of questions. How do we fix it? How do we stop it from getting worse? What does this mean for me long term? What did I do to make this happen? Is this a sign of early osteo because I do not take my calcium more regularly? Yup...I always end up at the self blame game. It is what I do. I come from a long line of folks who do it and I am trying desperately to stop the cycle for my wee ones...I am failing at this so far. I am grateful I am not looking at something like cancer, and I truly am aware that others have so much more to deal with than I...a point that I have been overly reminded of lately. But for this moment in time, while I wait for answers and a plan...I have feelings. They are mine and it is okay to have them. And for this moment...I am in a whole freaking lot of physical, screaming, activity limiting pain, so from time to time, I am going to whine about it for a minute. I will always come back to having perspective, but I am human and have these moments and it is the most normal thing I do. When things are new, and I have no plan and no answers and a lot of fear...I panic for a minute. I hope to hear from my doctor soon. I need answers. Whatever they are, once I have them I can make a plan...I need a plan. I type this to process...for me. I need no sympathy, but any prayers sent my way would be much appreciated. In all of this the little things go on and compound into periods of time in the ugly place. I am better today. I still have no kitchen floor and am losing hopes of ever having one, my spine is falling apart, but my family is healthy, I have the greatest friends in the whole entire universe and more importantly...it is Easter weekend. I did not get to get my decorations out this year and that has added to my sadness...they are my favorites. I love the bright happiness that is Easter decorations. It is Easter...and I KNOW in my heart what that means, with or without decorations and my kids KNOW what Easter is really about. And when you have that going for you...everything else is so minor.

Happy Easter weekend. God sent his son to die for you...think about that. Look at your own child and realize what that means. How great a love is this?! All else pales in this knowledge. "He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today! He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way. He lives! He lives! Salvation to impart, you ask me how I know He lives, He lives within my Heart."

They are heads

Today I opened the jar to put the evolving caterpillars into the Butterfly Tree House...those are definately heads in the bottom of the jar. Nasty...cool. We anxiously await butterflies. I am loving this.

Caterpillar update

Okay...it makes more sense...it now appears as though those are caterpillar hineys on the floor of the jar as the little guy I wrote about last night has finally entered his changing chamber and a bit of his tail end is squished on the outside. It takes away none of the fascination of the process, but it does make more sense. Even my soon to be 7 year old stated, "God does not always have to make sense, you know." I love her spiritual heart. She will be baptised soon and I must tell her story, but later. Now it is time to prepare for the day and dress the wee people for school and a fun play date with friends that I am long overdue to chat with in person.

I thank my friend, Michael, for sharing the story behind the man who wrote "It is Well With My Soul" on my Facebook page. You should Google "It is well with my soul story." Such a beautiful hymn born out of such immense tragedy. What a testament. I am humbled by the faith. Have a great day, people!

A deep day

Sorry for the massive dry spell. It seems as though I forgot my password...silly me. I remembered. I have been busier than usual and during my absence I lost most of my kitchen floor. Well, it isn't lost as much as it was ripped out due to water damage from our fridge which had a cracked housing around the water filter. But that, my friends, is a story for another day. I am trying to avoid such unpleasantness at this time.

I have been in a mood lately. Neither good nor bad...yet both at the same time. It is an odd place and I am ready to be past it, but it is better than the place I was last week. Today has been full of much thought. It didn't start that way, but then I went to yoga. I love and hate going to yoga. I always feel better when I go, but I do not particularly like doing it. I do love having 70 minutes devoted to being in the moment. Yoga only works if you are present in the moment. If your thoughts drift to anything outside of that room or even anything off of your own mat, you will wobble and fall. The other thing I enjoy about yoga is its gentleness. You don't DO yoga...you ALLOW yoga to happen. When you relax into a pose, you can get much more stretch out of it. If you try to make a pose happen, your muscles get tight and you cannot go as deep into the pose. Yoga meets you where you are...in the moment. Don't get me wrong. It is a work out and you can push yourself...but gently. If you have not tried it, I recommend it. It is good for everyone. There is a variation of every pose that is at your level whether you are a former couch potato who is just beginning, or an athlete that is trying something new. It makes me feel like no other form of exercise does. It makes my brain happy.

So, today I did not feel like going to yoga. I pondered a nap instead. I tried to go to the 9:30am class but traffic and dropping off children did not lend itself to a 9:30am class this particular Tuesday. I was going to have to go at 12:30pm if I was to go at all. I finally made the decision to drag myself there and make myself do it. I walked in and there were TWO other people there today. Both men are regulars to J's 12:30pm class. I see them every time I go. One of them, A, is an older man and he welcomed me and let me know that they had wondered where I was. I have not been to this particular class for a while. He asked how my elbow was doing and made me feel like I had been missed. It was a good way to start the class I had not even wanted to go to. Everyone was chatting about different injuries they are healing from, how they got them and different instances in which they had pushed themselves, despite injury, a little harder than they should have. The instructor shared a brief bit of personal info and we decided to start the class more actively than the traditional quiet intro. We were reminded to be in the moment and to be gentle with ourselves...unlike the stories we had been sharing. The class and the moves themselves were nothing extraordinary. It was a yoga class like any other...but it wasn't. At the end we went into our "corpse pose" and relaxed, clearing our minds and focusing on our breathing...just as we always do. Then, we closed with a meditation...Happy, healthy, safe and suffering. We were to say, silently to ourselves, that we wished for ourselves to be happy, healthy, safe and free from suffering. We were to do this 5 times. Then we were to say it for someone close to us, then for someone we knew to be suffering and then for someone we had negative feelings toward. It sounds hokey...but try it some time. It was actually quite powerful. When I returned home I plugged my iPhone into my new speaker...which I LOVE, by the way. The songs it chose to give to me were perfect for where I was and ended with "It is Well with My Soul." That was the perfect song to sum it up...it IS well with my soul, so what ever this is that I am in the middle of, it is what it is and all will be fine as long as it is well in my soul.

I have spent a great part of the evening watching my children's caterpillars as they are in various stages of change. I am fascinated by this process. We have had caterpillars before, but never have I watched them in such awe. How can anyone look at this process and not see that there is God? It is absolutely amazing. They come in a jar and are pretty small. In no time they have grown into long, fat, nasty looking caterpillars. Then the magic happens. They climb to the lid of their jar and hang upside down. At some point I swear that their heads come off because there looks to be caterpillar heads in the bottom of the jar...nasty, but cool. Then they become a chrysalis. I have tried with all of my might to catch this part happening, but I have been unsuccessful. Then, after they hang there inside their little shell for about a week, they come out and stretch their wings and are something completely different. They are something more beautiful. They can fly. Tonight as I watched, though, this one caterpillar who has been hanging there all day was convulsing. He would wiggle and curl a little then relax again. It happened over and over. It looked painful and I began to wonder what it must feel like, this transformation. Does it hurt? It seemed so metaphorical as it is so often painful, this transformation of life. How often do we pulse and writhe as we grow into something new? I wonder if the caterpillar knows that it is on its way to becoming a beautiful butterfly. I wonder if I will remember, the next time I am struggling through a difficult time, that I too am transforming. Maybe I will embrace the painful transition believing that it will lead to a more beautiful me. Or maybe my head will pop off and I will whine to all of you about it. :) Either way, I am glad we are all in this together.

Told you it was a deep day. Lots of words tonight. Many more inside, but they will have to

stay put for now. I am tired. Wonder where my dreams will go.