Hi

It is freaking hot, people! It had to be said...and I have said it. More interesting posts will show themselves one day. It is summer and I have 2 busy kids. Blogging is not so much a priority right now. I will give you a glimpse into future posts...my kids are ROCKING swimming lessons! I am very proud!

Laziness

I have it...all out laziness. I blame the weather, hormones and the recent weeks full of nonstop motion and have tos. I am revolting now by sitting on my butt. I may even half-arse this post, just to stay consistent. :) I am having an adult beverage and thinking about getting up and making dinner...maybe. Yeah...I am done now. Have a great weekend! I will tell tales of the last couple of weeks another time. I am lazy today.

Now, she is seven!

Here is my baby girl yesterday...on her last day of being 6. She looks pretty much the same today...but now she is SEVEN! :) She has had a great birthday...mostly because we know some really stellar people who are great at birthdays and making people feel special. 6 of you even follow this blog! :) She loved seeing all of the birthday wishes on my Facebook page and she started the day with a call from one aunt and set of cousins, had another call after school and ended the day with the third. Those are the calls that made her smile the biggest. I love that she loves family. The boy and I took her to school late, because we can, then we took her lunch and at 3pm, we took cupcakes to her class. Tonight she bridged from a Daisy Scout to a Brownie and got one more gift from a sweet, neighbor. It was a full day of birthday fun. That's how we do them here...big. I love her more every day. I don't know how, but I do. She amazes me. I love her. Thank you for helping me make her feel special!

My princess on her 7th birthday

Where do I even begin to tell the story of my princess?! It was a journey years in the making and one well worth the wait. It begins so long ago, but I will not start from the very beginning. Let's start at the happy part...or just before.

There are 3 days of my life that I remember every moment of and hope the crisp, clear thoughts of those days never fade. The first is the day I married my husband. It was a day I feared I would never see and its reality so exceeded any fantasy I could have imagined. I remember every minute of that day like it was yesterday. The minute the doors opened and I saw him standing at the front of the church in his tux I saw no one else. The church was full of people, but I never saw them. I remember him sliding the ring on my finger and my cheeks hurting so badly because I could not stop smiling. I remember the reception and having to be dragged out because I did not want to leave. It was a day of pure joy.

Following that day were many happy days, but then the sorrow of infertility hit. Seeking the right doctor to help us, surgery, procedures, medications, ultrasounds, failures and then...at long last...success! There was a brief fearful moment at that first ultrasound following the AI and positive pregnancy test. The doctor looked and looked and there were 2 sacks. One she passed by pretty quickly and the second she studied very closely. She mumbled and indicated that she feared that both sacks were empty. My heart stopped beating for a moment...then...after an eternity of fear, but only seconds in reality...she stopped and said these beautiful words, "Ah, there it is...see the yolk?" There was my baby...a little blip on a screen that I could scarcely even see. My heart swelled with love for my little dot. My mind remained curious about the other sack.

Time passed, love grew and so did our little blip. The next ultrasound showed a little alien and an even smaller alien in the sack not expected to develop. We were told not to get excited about #2, despite its development. It was much smaller. We called the larger one "Corn Flake" and the little guy was "Grape Nut." One week we finally got to hear Corn Flake's heart beat. It was the most beautiful whooshing sound and it filled my heart to overflowing. It was real...we were pregnant and my baby was fine. Sadly this day confirmed what we had been told from the start...Grape Nut was without a heart beat. There was a brief period to grieve this little life and then fear for Corn Flake and finally faith that our little one would grow to term and be healthy and happy...after all...it was now a Teddy Graham.

Now...here's the thing (as my kids say)...I had been having a reoccurring dream since just before the positive pregnancy test. I knew in my heart the day we went in for our "procedure" that were getting pregnant. My sweet husband was scared for me because I refused to believe differently and he was cautiously optimistic, but realistically guarded. He knew what failure would do to me. So, just prior to finding out that joy was ours...the dream started. I was in a nursery...there were 2 cribs but one baby and I could not determine a gender. The dream was short but always the same and I had it no less than 5 times in 2 months. Right before the appointment where we discovered that we were to only carry one baby I had the dream again...only this time it was different. I was in the same nursery and every event was as it had always been, but this time there was ONE crib, ONE baby...and it was a girl.

(Cue time passing music)...

I LOVED being pregnant. When I finally felt this little life flutter inside of me, I was over the moon! My husband took good care of us and grilled us steaks because that is what the baby wanted me to eat...giant steaks the size of my head....until the second trimester when the baby suddenly decided that it not only did not want any more steak...it also wanted no other form of protein. I remember the first bite of that last steak. My sweet spouse had made my favorite marinade and grilled up steak perfection. He beamed as he set the plate before me and looked at me with anticipation as I cut the first bite and put it in my mouth. I chewed and smiled and told him he did great...but inside my mouth my taste buds had suddenly turned on me. It did not taste good and I knew it was me. It was crushing. The whole second trimester was interesting with my new distain for meats. I also could not stand to be near anyone drinking anything alcoholic. I had formerly loved red wine and feared I would miss it, but now the smell was so offensive! I was eventually able to eat again, but it wasn't the same.

My little bundle was stubborn and, though I knew in my heart I was carrying a girl, she refused to allow us to confirm this fact. She sat in the most awkward positions...all of which covered her bits and pieces. One ultrasound she would sit like a frog with her feet on her bits, then another visit her thigh was off to the side obscuring our view. I LOVED every single ultrasound and laughed when we would watch the screen while I poked her to try to get her to show us her parts. Christmas came and went and she still remained modest. Finally, 2 days before my 36th birthday, I rubbed my growing belly and spoke to my offspring and explained to her that she had not cooperated for Christmas, but that it would be a lovely birthday present if she would just show us who she was. It was the shortest ultrasound of my life. I had to beg the OB to even do one. My sweet, formerly modest baby had backed up to my stomach and spread her legs wide giving us a clear, unobstructed view of her girly bits. We were, in fact, having a girl. We set to work on a name. Her middle name had always been Grace, but now that she was really a girl, her first name did not fit. Evalee was unique and pretty, but too soft for the bold life inside of me. We finally agreed on a name and it fit her, I felt it.

On Saturday, May 15th, 2004 my husband and I decided to spend the day together, knowing that these opportunities were fading fast. We had a few things left to do to prepare for the baby and I had a slew of baby shower gifts to put away...when so many great people wait so long with you and go through such a journey with you, they spoil you and your new baby rotten!..but we decided to just put everything on the back burner and enjoy each other. We went to the new aquarium and walked around a lot. We were hoping to encourage Kennedy to go ahead and get off my bladder and join us in the outside world. On the way home my hubby wanted to look at cars, so we did. When we got home I was so tired and not at all hungry and just felt off. Little did I know that I was already in labor.

And on to the second day I remember as though it were yesterday:

I had been sleeping on our couch for some time now. The bed hurt my hips and the couch cushions came together in just the right place to cradle them comfortably. I had covered the couch with a waterproof mattress pad, just incase my water broke one night. I had been assured by many that there was not really much chance of that happening, but I was taking no chances. On Sunday morning I awoke with this thought..."Oh no...I am having the pee pee dream. Wait...I am awake now and it is not stopping...wait...that is not pee pee...MY WATER BROKE!" Now I had the dilemma of how to get to the bathroom without messing up the brand new carpet. I made it. My sweet husband was also sleeping in. From the front bathroom I exclaimed, "OH GROSS!" I head him call out, "Are you okay?" "Yes...my water just broke and we are going to have a baby today." I heard him sit straight up, now fully awake. I could feel his anxiety level as I calmly stepped into the shower. "What are you doing?! We need to get you to the hospital!" "I am taking a shower...we have time and this feels gross." We were told to get to the hospital to start IV antibiotics since I had tested positive for step B. We arrived around 10:00am. I could feel no contractions, which amazed the nurses...but with each one, amniotic fluid would surge out of my body. I wanted the epidural so that I would no longer feel the disgusting cascade...no dice. ;P We called our parents and my sisters and let them know what what going on. I assured my mother, only 45 minutes away, that she had plenty of time to go to church. Everyone made it and it was a beautiful day of sitting and chatting and waiting. The nurses continued to ask me about the contractions and I continued to deny I was having any. They would show me a monitor and tell me I was in the middle of a contraction so I would tell them on a scale of 1 to 10... I was a zero. :) We found out that my doctor was not on call and there was a brief moment of fear when the doctor on call had NO sense of humor. I did finally get an epidural out of fear of impending pain. The grumpy L&D nurse grumbled something to the effect of, "You watch...this baby is going to come right at shift change." At one point my room was full of medical people...I thought it was normal...it is not. Apparently my eager princess stretched out one arm for a moment and there was some concern that she would try to be born this way...which I found out later would have been a bad thing. Always my cautious child, I believe she was just testing her new environment and making a plan before arrival. :) She retracted her arm and after several heart rate scares, bags of cold IV fluid and oxygen...my little princess was delivered on the third round of pushing with one hand right under her chin. The doctor, who had lightened up a little, said that she was ready for Daddy's credit card. And, by the way, the nurse had been correct...it was 6:47pm...right before shift change.

She was born on 5-16 and weighed 6 lbs 15 oz. When they laid her in my arms, 3 and a half decades of waiting and growing and preparing and worrying flooded from me in an endless stream of happy tears. She was here...I was a mother...she was perfect and beautiful. All of those baby shows I had been making fun of for years suddenly made sense as I kissed her fresh head. She surprised me with a head full of dark hair. She looked at me with only one eye, and did this frequently. We called it her peep eye and she became our little peeper. She left for school today, 7 years later, with me saying, "Love you, Peep!" I watched my husband grow into a Daddy in the blink of an eye. This man who had never been around babies was such a natural with his own. We took her in, all 19.5 inches of her...we were a family.

My life changed that day...in a way, it was my birthday too. I am not who I was prior to that day and all for the better. I look at her in awe every single day. She is beautiful and smart and loving and everything you could dream of in a daughter. I wonder how I could be so blessed! Each night, when I pray, I thank a merciful, loving God for entrusting me with such a gift.

The third day will have to wait...his turn is not until the end of August and this post has already eaten a lot of day. :) Plus, I like to build the suspense. :)

Happy birthday, Peep! Daddy, Andrew and I love you so much!

Holy Cow

Look at that...I posted pictures...and it was easy...and I feel like a moron! Oh well! There ya go. I learned something new today. :)

The butterflies are free...and so is a tooth.

Today, after school, we released the butterflies. It was time. They were flying around all crazy and were ready to go. The kids had very mixed emotions about it. They knew it was the right thing to do and they wanted the butterflies to be happy and free, but they love the little buggers and liked having them around. I was ready to not have one more thing to feed and also eager to not have one die in my home where my ever so sensitive son lives. :) But really...I was a bit sad too. It was only when I was cleaning out the habitats that my sweet son realized that the one little guy that had fought to emerge for around 5 days was actually dead. He handled it well, but he was so sad about it. He is so tender hearted. I would love the find the butterflies and hug them and thank them for the way in which they departed. They gave my children the best goodbye. They each had one butterfly who was reluctant to go and hung out on their tiny, precious fingers for a long time. The boy actually got his out 3 different times and it just sat there on his finger as he walked around the back yard. I finally told him that if it did not want to go today, we could keep him a bit longer and try again another day, but it did eventually fly away. The girl got her out twice and was also about to keep it a while longer when it followed its friend into the great wide open. It was a beautiful day for a butterfly release. The wind had FINALLY calmed itself and it was not raining, or too hot, or too cold. It was beautiful. The pure joy in the hearts and souls and smiley faces of my children as they held the reluctant butterflies and marveled at their willingness to sit there on their wee fingers was contagious. I love those butterflies for giving my kids this experience and joy. Nothing fills me up like the joyous laughter of my children. It made it such a happy occasion instead of a tearful goodbye. They both remarked about how happy the butterflies were to be free. One landed briefly on our roof and this made the boy giggle for some reason. The girl watched them until they could be seen no more and smiled the whole time...which was also fun because it would be one of the last smiles for one of her teeth. :)

Yup, she lost another one. Growing up too fast. She thinks it is a riot that she has lost her 7th tooth less than 2 weeks before turning 7. It is fun. Her mouth is a mess. I look forward to seeing where all of this is going. I see braces in her future...but I knew this before she had teeth. Both of her parents had them...and need them again. :(

It is so late and I am so tired and altered somewhat from medication. I hope this post makes sense in the morning. But if not, meh. It will still help jog my memory of the great time setting butterflies free in the backyard in the spring of 2011. :)

I used to write

I used to write...a lot. Of course, I used to have a whole lot of alone time...too much alone time. I have traded this alone time for a lot of work and hardly ever ANY time alone and not enough of me to even begin to know where to start writing again. It is AWESOME! I miss some things, TV shows that are not animated, books without pictures, peeing and bathing alone, vacuuming at 1am without fear of waking anyone, being out of my house at night, and other equally not important things. I do miss writing though I do not miss needing to write. It kept me going for a long time. At times, it even kept me alive. It was the only way I knew to purge my soul. I think I want to try to carve out some time for myself and see what my soul has to say. It is so full now. I think it might have some great stuff to say. When my soul was empty, it had a lot to say. What will it say full? I am no where near who I once was that that me seems as though it was someone else. I see her sometimes...when I have had a bad day, or I do not feel well...I see her in the mirror. I feel differently about her than I used to. I am more patient with her when she is around and she doesn't stay as long. Sometimes she frustrates me, like she used to, but I have learned that if she is here, it is because I am not doing a good job of taking care of me.

I am so tired that my thoughts are jumbled and making little sense. I just needed to make an effort here. It was an odd day and not good odd. But, even the bad things happened in a way that was as good as possible. So much worse could have come out of the things that were bad. I am grateful.

I used to sit in deafening silence

In an empty apartment

Hearing the sounds of my own heart

Beating only because that was its job,

And hearing the TV

Or the lives of others

Rushing around outside my door.

I used to sit a lot

And do nothing.

I used to drive at night and get lost in movies

And stay up late and sleep in while time crept by

And go places and do things with my friends,

But not now.

Now, even the silence is not silent.

I hear breathing all around me.

I live in a house that is full of life

And my heart beats for those who live here.

I still hear the TV,

But the lives of others is muffled by

The lives that are one with my own.

I rarely sit, and if I sit

It is to rock the small people

Who call me "Mommy"

Doing nothing is a foreign concept

Driving at night so rare

That I struggle to locate my headlights

I no longer get lost in movies

I now get lost in the pretend play

That swirls and changes with each breath

Of each child trying to keep up with their own ideas.

I still stay up late, I have to

Lest the house and its contents take over and choke us all,

But there are no more late mornings in my world.

Time goes too fast these days to sleep in and miss a moment.

I used to be a lot of things that I lost

But I do not miss them

I traded them in for things that are so much better.

I live now...not just physically

But in my soul, where it counts.

My soul sings and dances and does not care who is watching

Or that it has no rhythm or that it sings off key.

It cannot help itself.

When I lost all of me...

I became found.

When I did not know who I was

It was because I was not yet me.

I thought that I was supposed to be

That which I was named

But then,

At long last

I discovered the real me

And her name is

Mommy.

-A. Christine Tolar

April 28, 2011