Things I am not

I am not a good manager of things...time, money, emotions. It is just not a skill I picked up as I grew. I don't know why. It made me very adaptable in my 20s and 30s but I find it grossly annoying now that I am 40 and a mother and wife and have so precious little time that is mine. I am not complaining about the time thing. I would choose no other life. I am just saying that if I were a better manager of time, I might be able to squeeze in some extra stuff for myself, or my spouse or my kids and maybe be a little less overwhelmed with the daily ins and outs of life. Really...I have 2 kids...not a herd. And they are great kids. They follow the rules, more or less...maybe too much. I should be a little more relaxed. (I need to teach them a little naughty so they do not grow up too uptight. Although...I do giggle with them about bodily functions...) I need to figure out how to embrace schedules and use them to my advantage. I need to find a middle ground and not jump off the deep end so often. I need balance. Maybe I need to go back to yoga...but then that is another thing to throw into my schedule and another thing that is taking my time...hmmm...one day. My poor kid. Maybe they will use this to be the opposite of me and be very good time managers and on time people. I can hope.

Aaahhh

I LOVE this time of year. My Grandma instilled a love of Christmas in me very early on. I get pangs of sorrow every year, but it is still my favorite. I miss her. This year is so great. My kids are a little older and they really seem to get it...the true meaning of Christmas. I love that. A lot of adults don't get it and my 6 and 4 year old seem to. I love watching my daughter struggle because she is DYING to give her brother his gift because she knows that he will LOVE it. (And he will...she knows him!) I love watching my son struggle with wanting to buy his sister everything he sees because he loves her so much. I love that we spent over an hour this morning reading Bible stories by the fire with the tree lights on. One of my favorite things this year...I LOVE the sound of my son singing Christmas carols to me. He is still small enough to have just a bit of a speech impediment and the sound of him singing is so, so precious. The other day, on the way to his school, he said to me, "Mommy, I know that Jesus loves us and that He died so we could live." And I believe that he does know that. It brought me to tears and warmed me to my soul. For a family that does not make it to church hardly ever...my kids know God. I do not believe that it is anything I have done. I believe fully that they were born with this love and knowledge...I just did not squash it. We pray, we talk about God, but they know things beyond what we have discussed. It is cool...and creepy. I feel extra blessed to have these amazing creatures who are so spiritual.

We just had a "tea party" with hot chocolate, marshmallows, whipped cream with Christmas sprinkles, little Christmas cookies and a candy cane for stirring...it was fun. We watched Year Without a Santa Claus...I love this time of year. I have to keep this short though...Kennedy wants one more Bible story and we have GOT to get to the toothbrushes!

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Yeah...I keep not posting again...sorry

We stay pretty busy over here. It does not lend itself to blogging. And even when we are home, to find a quiet moment to type my thoughts without interruption...well that just does not happen. There are 2 kids and a husband over here! :) One day it will be quiet and I will have lots of time to myself...and I am quite certain that when that time comes...I will cry EVERY DAY! My house will be clean and my laundry will be done AND put away in the same day and the groceries will remain somewhat consistent...oh, what a sad, sad day it will be. I do not look forward to it like some people do. The idea of my babies growing up and leaving me paralyzes me. I like having them around. They are funny and chaotic and unpredictable and too loud on occasion and messy as all get out, but man, do they fill my heart! I scarcely recall a time before I was their mother. I feel like I should get to celebrate with Kennedy every May 16th because the reality is...we were both born that day. She breathed her first breath and I became a mother...someone completely new. I remember both of us breathing that first breath together. It felt a little like the end of the Grinch...I am quite certain that my heart grew three sizes that day.

Wow...you just never know where a train of thought will take you when you finally do sit down and type. The Christmas season makes me incredibly sappy. I warn you...it will likely get worse. I will, at some point, type a lot about Grandma. She taught me to live Christmas time fully. It is only right that I spend some time telling you more about her. Have I mentioned that she was AMAZING?! There are not words...really. She was that good. Ask anyone.

I must now go and dress the girl. School time is upon us and her mother was busy typing. Oops.

Yea for small play dates

So, Mr. Negativity and I were signed up to go to a play date this morning. He naturally bucked the idea and went into a full on negative spiral where the whole world was evil and out to get him and cause him misery. I made him go. We...I said we would be there...we were going. I have been letting him be a hermit too much lately. The weather will allow it, or demand it again all too soon. We got there and he was on my like a conjoined twin, but I was prepared for this and just sat down and wore him like a Snuggie. The sounds of the 3 other boys his age was intriguing. It finally got to him and, because I did not push this time, he elected to go investigate the sounds of fun. AND HE PLAYED...for a long time...and mostly happily. It was glorious! It was supposed to be a good sized crowed, but there were several last minute cancellations. While I was sad for the sweet hostess...I was GIDDY for us. It was EXACTLY what the wee boy needed. We were there until 12:30pm when I looked at the clock, gasped at the time and ran away. I never dreamed we would be there for 2 and a half hours! I was hoping for at least an hour and would have been shocked with an hour and a half...but TWO AND A HALF HOURS?! I never dreamed it possible. It was perfect. Enough kids to constitute a crowd, but few enough to not set off sensory and anxiety issues. The wee boy was proud of himself and happy that he had had a great time and I am proud of him. He gave it a chance and had fun. It was a great morning. And...his Daddy is coming home early so that he does not have to go to Girl Scouts this afternoon. Life is good in Bubbaland today.

Bad dreams and wonderful Grandmas

I hate bad dreams...and now that I typed that, I find it to be a rather stupid statement. Who really LIKES bad dreams? They are bad...it is in the name. I have a couple of recurring dreams that are always a little hard to shake when I wake up...last night I had one. I need to preface with a little bit of information that people newer to my life. I loved my grandparents with all of my soul. They were a MAJOR influence in my life...particularly my grandma. She was amazing. She was the only person I have ever known that truly had NO enemies. Everyone liked her. You could not not like her. She cooked and baked and bought 5 different boxes of sugared cereal that she kept in a cabinet we could reach and she never monitored our consumption. I seriously ate an entire box of Froot Loops one afternoon after school. She also had a gum drawer and fountain Coke. She was awesome...and not even for the afore mentioned reasons. She was love. It poured out of her and enveloped you completely. When she looked at me...she saw me...but only acknowledged the good parts. She saw the other stuff, but she chose not to dwell on it. She loved me for who I was and where I was, even when I was a moody teenager. She was wicked funny too. Until I had my children, I had never loved anyone the way that I loved Grandma. When I was 20 cancer took her from me. I was not sure I would survive it, but I did...for her. And when I was 30...cancer took Grandpa too. I hate cancer. It took my aunt a year before Grandpa and it has attacked my sisters. It sucks. But I digress. Okay, so, grandparents = love and their loss was huge...here comes the bad dream...I call it a bad dream and not a nightmare because I lived the nightmare already. In my dream Grandma gets sick and they take her away somewhere. I have no idea who "they" are. I also have no idea where they have taken her, but I cannot find her. They keep telling me she is back down the hall in the bed room, but she isn't there when I look for her. Then they tell me she died. But then I find out that she is not dead, just taken away where I cannot find her. And then Grandpa disappears too. In the dream I am searching for them. I am really not describing the dream adequately. I don't think I can, but when I wake up there are often tears in my eyes and I have trouble shaking the feeling. Now, it does not take an expert dream interpreter to uncover the intimate meanings of the dream...it is pretty clear. But it is SO vivid that when i woke in the night this time, I was not sure if my grandparents were dead or alive and I really hate that. My heart sank when I woke up enough to realize that they are still not here. The brain is weird.

One of my creepy coolest things involving Grandma and my kids...one day, when Kennedy was 2, she said, "Mommy, remember when I was in Heaven...before I came to be in your tummy...and your Grandma took care of me?" ...Uhh...jaw hits the floor...huh-uh...but I believe you. It was creepy, and comforting all at the same time. I like the idea that the soul of my child was nurtured and prepared for me with the help of the person who knew me best in the world. It would be a great job for her...sitter of the baby souls. Did I mention that she ROCKED? Cuz she did. You would have loved her too.

:)

My kids are sweet and funny and wonderful and I love them beyond measure. It just had to be said. :)

What is wrong with people?!

The news is so disturbing this week that I cannot shake it from my brain. I am sickened and saddened and confused by people I do not even want to understand. In my home town last night, not far from where my mother lives, an 18 year old stabbed a 4 year old to death with a pair of scissors...in the 4 year old's own room...where his 6 year old brother was also. The assailant also attacked the pregnant mother as she tried to save her child. How does this happen?! How do you ever feel safe in your own home again? How will this poor woman go on and give her surviving children a feeling of safety in the world now that she knows there is none? And this is only ONE of the stories that has me physically ill. Another woman put her 10 day old infant in the washing machine and ran it. WTH?! And do not get me started on the sick people allowed to work in day care. Thank you, God, for a life that allows me to be home with my babies. Please give me the strength to send them into the world and not home school them out of fear. Keep them safe from sick, crazy people. Help me to teach them that the world is still full of love and kindness, even if I am doubting it. God, please be with the victims in these horrible tragedies, like only You can. Amen